Happy Birthday to Us

So it's February 6th, which means "Red Eye" will have officially run longer than "Star Trek." And we've done five times as many episodes. It's scary to think what could happen from here.

So maybe we shouldn't.

Instead, let's reflect on the past and take a look at some of the show's finer moments, from our second episode:


GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Hey, this is "Red Eye." It's kind of like "The View" but with bladder control.


GUTFELD: Yeah, yeah. You took that from The Post.

BREITBART: Bill, what are your thoughts — if you have any?

BILL SCHULZ, "RED EYE": Well, obviously my favorite part of the story is the diaper factor. And astronauts in history have always been pretty good spokespersons for various products. But I'm wondering how Depends feels about this.

GUTFELD: We need to end the occupation of this topic because frankly, it's boring the hell out of me.

BREITBART: This is the type of thing that the Beastie Boys would wear in concert to show their irony power.

GUTFELD: That was neither smart or funny.

BREITBART: That's your shtick: to go after me, right?

GUTFELD: It is. It is.

Should we be surprised by this?

SCHULZ: I will — I am here to tell you, right now that I will give up sex for an entire year — because I'm not getting laid anyway — if Fox will give me a wardrobe budget, Greg. I've been wearing these jeans for a week.

GUTFELD: Andrew? How are you?

ANDY LEVY, "RED EYE": Good, Greg. How are you?

GUTFELD: Ah, Andrew, so what did we do wrong the first half?

LEVY: Well, first of all, I don't think any of you has ever been a woman astronaut so you really shouldn't be judging her. And also, calling her an "astro-slut" isn't helping anything. Or saying that she was just going for a "space stalk." It's just juvenile stuff; you've got to stop doing that.


Well, that was enlightening and disgusting.

It's such a pleasure to watch Andy's hair color change ever so suddenly — his mane morphing from an Anne Heche bob to an Annie Lennox spike.

And then there's Bill's skin — a reflection of the consequences of hard living and hepatitis C, D, E, and his own creation, F.

And all the while, there's me — never growing, always showing!

Here are some other shinier parts of our "Red Eye": history:


GUTFELD: The Halftime Report from TV's Andy Levy. Tonight's report is sponsored by David Gregory's hair. David Gregory's hair holds a PhD in astrophysics and can bench press over 500 pounds. David Gregory's hair is nothing if not well-rounded. Thank you, David Gregory's hair. You're welcome, Greg. By the way, I need a place to stay tonight. Oh, to the shelter, you!

Tonight's report, as always, is sponsored by David Gregory's hair. David Gregory's hair tutors underprivileged kids in its spare time as well as volunteers at local homeless shelters. Giving back is what it's all about for David Gregory's hair. Thank you, David Gregory's hair. You're welcome, Greg. Will you join me later in the hot tub? Oh, you're such a randy devil!

Tonight report is sponsored, as always, by David Gregory's hair. The secret to its amazing thickness is a defining paste that helps create a flawless, no-shine finish. Thank you, David Gregory's hair. You're welcome. Do you have any cocaine?

Andy, did you know that those adorable dark spots on the belly of a tabby are called vest buttons?

Andy, did you know that an undesirably sharp appearance of a cat's muzzle is measured by its snippiness?

Andy has opened an S&M parlor for cats. Andy, what is Purr-secution like?

Andy has started a blog for cats who like to write on the go. So Andy, anyone joined Kitty-Twitter?

Andy is running an online dating service for cats called Paws and Click. Andy, have you met any matches worth meowing about?

Andy has created a towel made entirely of cat hair that cleans up even the toughest messes. Andy, how many Sham-Meows have you sold and will it absorb all the blood in my basement?

LEVY: Greg, there aren't even enough tarps in the world to absorb all the blood in your basement.

GUTFELD: Bill, as an avowed racist and hater of black people, you probably think this is an insult to all the good work done by the Klan.

Bill, you don't own a bed, but you still must dream; any of them about Obama?

Bill, you can't even write your own name much less ask someone to write down theirs.

You know, Bill, your nickname is Mr. Soccer because you also don't use your hands.

Bill, you are a big loser — you've said that yourself.

Bill, you hate Asians, so I bet you're applauding what Miley did.

Bill, you're humiliated regularly — at work and in the bedroom.

Bill, you often pose online as a man. When will all of this deception end?

Bill, you have absolutely no belongings to speak of. How can you tighten your belt when you don't even own a belt, you stupid jerk-face?

SCHULZ: Wow! Wow!

GUTFELD: Bill, you've survived on loose change because you're poor and you smell. Does that mean you're in favor of the penny or are you against the penny?

Bill, you have no friends or family, so as an environmentalist you shouldn't really be flying at all, should you, you worthless sack of crap?

SCHULZ: Wow! Wow!


Ah, memories or lack thereof.

And finally, a word from the Robots:


"Greg, I would like to congratulate Andy, you and that sequential hermaphrodite for your three years on the air. We would love to celebrate with you later. We have a hot tub, plenty of action beads and Keith Olbermann is going to stop by with the lotion. He gives an awesome backrub. Talk to you later, and griffins suck!"


That they do, robots. That they do.

Last, thanks to our awesomely awesome fans for watching and for supporting us over the last three years.

And if you didn't, then you're worse than Media Matters.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld