Published February 08, 2010
I’ve got a little secret to share with you: Walgreens is a sex shop.
OK, it’s not an actual sex shop. But you know what they say, if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck…
I was going in to pick up some allergy meds, but I got distracted — very distracted, in fact – when I started to notice a funny pattern.
First, there is a surprising variety of "personal massagers." "Quiet and powerful ones" in a Skittles-worthy array of colors. Multiple surface versions that boast the ability to be recharged. The "Comet Massager" that looks like it’s related to a Pixar space creature. The little guy even lights up.
If feet are your thing, there’s the foot spa and the foot massager. Or if you want to massage other parts, you can try out the "soothing five motor cushion massager." Saddle up! One massager comes complete with a warmer, and several of them have all sorts of interesting nubs and bumps and edges. Come on, that is no back massager.
All sorts of lotions and potions line the shelves as well. Travel size massage oils in scents like Bali Moonlight, Malibu Sunrise, and Paris Twilight. (And, no, I have no idea what any of those things would smell like).
And then there are the lubricants — warming, tingling, soothing, and in "flavors" like pina colada and cherry. If you don’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell good and taste good, you, my friend, are missing out.
In the practical department, there’s an air revitalizer (you know, for those marathon sessions); a sound machine to ward-off roommates or nosy neighbors; and candles in every scent from Indigo Nights to Beach Bungalow for ideal lighting (who doesn’t look good in candlelight?). Seriously, you could set the whole scene with just one stop at this place.
If you want to get really randy, they even have handcuffs, nylon rope, paintbrushes, hot wax and digital camcorders. No pressure.
Just in case you get a little carried away, they have a massive collection of braces, stabilizers, and hot and cold packs. You can also find muscle relaxers, pain creams and nutritional supplements. Of course, some of that stuff can be just as much fun to use during the action…
And the condom selection…Holy smokes! Twisted pleasure, tropical, studded. Naturally, they come in a variety of "luscious" flavors and assorted colors. One even comes with a vibrating ring. The best part is what is right above the condom selection – Band-Aids, antacids and items for joint relief. Just one aisle away…blood pressure monitors, Red Bull and Power Bars. Clearly, Walgreens knows what their customers are up to.
My favorite packaging by far is for the strawberry "intimacy gel." The label boasts it’s sugar-free because, of course, good sex should not lead to tooth decay and weight-gain. It also claims to be "good for your skin" and comes complete with a "slip-free grip." Their Web address just might be the best part: www.stayswetlonger.com. Yup.
The key is that all of this is right around the corner from nearly every home in America, which brings me to why I’m telling you all of this. Upping the sexy quotient in your life is easy. No pole dancing classes required. All you have to do is pay attention. Everything you need is right at your fingertips.
So there’s no need to worry that your admin will open that package you had sent to the office. You don’t even have to get up the nerve to go to that store in the warehouse district with all the neon in the window. You simply have to stop by the drugstore.
Personally, I’m thrilled. I’m for anything that’ll make my trips to the pharmacy more fun…
Jenny Block is a freelance writer based in Dallas, Texas. She is the author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage." Her work appears in "One Big Happy Family" edited by Rebecca Walker and "It’s a Girl: Women Writers on Raising Daughters" edited by Andrea Buchanan. Visit her Web site at www.jennyonthepage.com.