Comedies Lining Up to Impersonate Beck

This is a rush transcript from "Glenn Beck," November 16, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GLENN BECK, HOST: You haven't lived until "South Park" has done an entire episode on you. Last week Eric Cartman played a much thinner version of me. Then, over the weekend, even more animation. This time, from the New Yorker magazine, in which they called me energetically hateful, truth-twisting and the biggest lie of all, only "barely overweight."

By the way, an interesting fact about The New Yorker — it still exists. I mean, they're still printing it. Who knew? Anyway, this was a cap on a quite prolific period of Beck-bashing. You know, by the way, all the targets like, for instance, you know that I write crazy things on a blackboard. They got that one right.


ERIC CARTMAN, "SOUTH PARK" CHARACTER: So let's take a look at exactly what our school president wants. Yes, what is she trying to achieve?

JASON SUDEIKIS, "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" CAST MEMBER: Greta, I also realized that you could rearrange the letters of your name to spell "great."

JON STEWART, HOST, "THE DAILY SHOW": Follow me. I want to show you something very quickly. I want to show you something. Take a look — take a look very quickly, if you will, at what your appendix is connected to.


BECK: That's a very funny bit. Congratulations, Jon, very funny stuff. Of course, another target, besides the blackboard, is I cry like a little girl. They got that one.


CARTMAN: And so now, our school has plenty of precious, unobtainable smurf berries.

SUDEIKIS: And I love America.

STEWART: There's a war going on. The mistakes are nothing less than Glenn Beck's internal organs.


BECK: All of those more original than the last. But just to prove that we are in parallel universe, here are eight words that you never ever thought you would hear — "Glenn Beck is on the cover of Playboy."

Thankfully, no pictures were involved. Instead, just the novel concept of a Glenn Beck take-down. I will give Playboy credit. Unlike the rest of the media, at least they are admitting to a take-down.

But if you could navigate between the cheeks and nipples, you will find this well-researched critique, "There is something so brain-rattingly foolish about his understanding of history that it embarrasses me merely to set it down among the shapely babes of Playboy."

Oh, yes, you wouldn't want the giggling coeds to think you didn't understand the Age of Enlightenment. But what is it that he writes that I don't understand? Well, supposedly, I think all the founders were religious and for small government even though Thomas Paine was there and so was Alexander Hamilton.

And it's not a point that, maybe, you know, if you actually watch the show or listen to the show, you would have heard me talk about this over and over and over again.


Thomas Paine was an atheist. John Adams probably the most Christian of our Founding Fathers. You have Thomas Jefferson who said there should be a revolution every 25 years in this country, that there should be no control from a central state or very, very little, almost anarchy.

Fighting right next to him was Alexander Hamilton who said we should go back and have kings. We should do what we did over in England. We'll just do it right. Huge government. No government. And yet they were all founders. They all loved the United States of America.


BECK: Oh, I guess that Playboy journalist missed that. Have we come to a time where even the leaders of porn journalism don't do their research? What would Miss January say? What would Miss January's Founding Fathers say in between all the self-loathing and regret, of course?

But this story really wasn't about me. It's about you. As you know or may not know, in Playboy, they are all about the pictures better than anyone else. And here is a picture that you have to see.

This is a two-page picture. This is what the media and progressive politicians think of you, not me. Playboy doesn't care enough to even try to hide their disgust.

Let me point out a few things in this picture on the story about me. There is a guy praying. There is a Bible, a gun, a confederate flag, an assault rifle leaning against the wall — pictures of me and Hannity, et cetera.

To the media in Washington, you're not in America standing up for yourself for the first time. You're that guy, in his basement, crazy militia member locked in his basement with your God, your guns and a can of Miller High Life.

So why are they trying to minimize your voice? Let's end our journey once again with "South Park." During the episode my mini-me, Cartman, is accusing the class president, Wendy, of all sorts of crazy things.


STAN MARSH, "SOUTH PARK" CHARACTER: What the hell do you think you're doing?

CARTMAN: Book signing.

STAN: I looked for your stupid book. It is 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut.

CARTMAN: I do not directly say she's a slut. You didn't read the rest, dude. Or does she? See, that's a question. I'm asking questions.


BECK: Have we really gotten to a place where you can't ask questions? What were my crazy accusations or questions? Well, the accusation was that Van Jones was a communist revolutionary.

I didn't describe him that way. In his own words, he described himself that way. He was also a 9/11 truther. He was forced to step down. Was it that the administration was using NEA as a propaganda arm for the administration? That was a question.

We played tapes of the call with Yosi Sergant and Yosi Sergant had to step down. How about this crazy accusation? Was it that Anita Dunn was a left-wing nut job? We played the tapes of her preaching the virtues of Mao to a bunch of high school students. Yes, she just stepped down a few days ago.

How about this? Maybe it was a crazy accusation that ACORN was deeply corrupt. That one's crazy, huh? We played the tapes of them trying to help underage prostitutes come into this country illegally. They fired the employees and lost their federal funding.

Or was it that Andy Stern of SEIU has undue influence in this administration? Well, the visitor logs now show that he has visited the White House more than anyone else that we know of since Obama took office.

To complete the "South Park" analogy here in the real world, all of those Wendys really were sluts. In fact, most of them called themselves sluts. They spoke about it, the benefits of slutdom, on tape. And then, they were caught being slutty over and over again and we put them on television saying that.

It's just that nobody wants to believe that their representatives are sluts, even when they say it themselves. But America, no matter what The New Yorker says, sometimes our politicians really are sluts.

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