So sometimes, these Greg-alogues write themselves.
I speak of Al Sharpton, who just attacked Rush Limbaugh for trying to buy the St. Louis Rams (that's tetherball, right?), writing to commissioner Roger Goodell saying the popular conservative host has been "divisive."
Now, I made a decision a while ago that any time Al Sharpton would enter the fray and make a charge like that, I would act as a one-man Al Sharpton historian. My role: to explain why there's no one on the planet less fit to make a statement about race than Al.
So behold, the "Al Sharpton History Minute."
Now, if you were born in the 1980s, you probably never heard about Tawana Brawley, a 15-year-old black girl who went missing for four days back in 1987, but then turned up covered in dog poop and racial slurs. She claimed she was repeatedly raped by up to six white men in the woods. One of them even had a badge.
The then unknown and obese Al Sharpton saw an opportunity for quick fame and became her adviser. Sharpton and his pals manipulated the event to horrific, freakish proportions, claiming Brawley had been raped 33 times by a prosecutor. Al also helped conjure up a fake police cult that helped cause the gang rape.
But there was never any evidence, and a grand jury called it a hoax. Sharpton was ordered to pay roughly $70,000 to the real victims. Others paid it for him.
So that concludes our "Al Sharpton History Minute."
For the next "Al Sharpton History Minute," wait patiently for a month or so when a new controversy arises, and he'll pop up like a blister, there to inflame but never heal.
At least he had good taste in track suits.
And if you disagree with me, then you're probably a racist.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld (weeknights 3-4AM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor.