Sometimes he’s his own worst enemy. He’s gotten as far as the bedroom, all ready for action, only to hurt his own efforts.
Fraught with any number of sex fears, his lusty libido has been replaced with insecurity and unbearable stress. He’s consumed with doubt and dread instead of desire.
What are these debilitating fears hampering his sex life, and how can he get his head back into the game?
While they typically come off as cool, calm and collected, a number of men can experience sexual fears at any point in his sex career – and with any partner. With his sexuality very much tied into his ego, the results are dire, even when he’s in a loving, supportive relationship. Negative outcomes include:
— Decreased sexual interest and desire;
— Performance anxiety;
— Compromised erectile functioning;
— An inability to enjoy sex.
So what are the sexual concerns consuming him? Here are a few of them...
1. He’s panicking about his size.
Many men fret about the size of their penis. They fear that they won’t measure up to a partner’s satisfaction or that their “Amazonian” proportions will be intimidating.
To get over his size issues, it’s important to remember that, when it comes to a man's member, "some men are showers while others are growers." Males with “smaller” penises tend to become larger when erect than their “larger” counterparts. That is, they grow more in proportion to their original size.
Regardless, sexual satisfaction boils down to what he can do with all of his equipment.
2. He’s worried that he’ll be a lousy lover.
Particularly in new partnerships, where lovers are still getting to know each other, he’s going to spend a lot of time wondering if his lover had an orgasm or if they're satisfied. Sadly, many lovers have trouble talking about their sexual needs, gratification, what’s working and what needs to be done differently.
Checking in with his lover is the best way to guarantee that he’s meeting expectations. Doing so further wins him brownie points since this is interpreted as caring for and having concern for your lover, which are such ego strokes! It also gives him the opportunity to let his own wants and desires be known.
3. He’s fretting that his timing will be off.
Is he going to release too soon? Or is he going to take too long? In either situation, he’s alarmed that he won’t be able to close the curtain for the applause he wants. For men who don’t last as long as they’d like, they’re best off dedicating themselves to a pelvic floor muscle exercise routine. Those experiencing delayed ejaculation should work on examining the physical, emotional, and mental components potentially at play.
4. He’s alarmed that he’ll lose his erection.
Thinking this practically guarantees that it’s going to happen. Men serve themselves best by reminding themselves that this is a perfectly natural occurrence on occasion. It’s dependent upon a number of factors, like stress, fatigue and/or comfort with partner.
Instead of becoming obsessed with the “what if,” lose yourself in the pleasures you’re experiencing all over. Focus on your partner and ways to provide amazing sensations that don’t depend on the penis. The phallus is just one of many players in this game.
5. He won’t find his lover attractive once sober.
This one is easy – don’t drink or keep it to a minimum. If a man needs to be drunk to hook up, he has bigger problems than what his lover looks like the morning after.
6. He might get her pregnant or contract a sexually transmitted disease.
This one is also easy. To minimize the risk of pregnancy or acquiring a sexually transmitted disease, use a condom consistently and correctly. To avoid the risk entirely, abstain - at least until you’ve had a chance to discuss contraceptives and/or get tested for any infections either of you could be carrying.
7. He’ll come away disappointed.
From not having sex to not living it up like a porn star, not realizing his sexual expectations can leave him defeated. In overcoming most of these, it’s important not to have unrealistic expectations. It’s human for things not to always work out as planned. What we see being depicted in pornography does not accurately depict most sexual interactions between lovers nor your “average” human’s sexual response cycle.
So keep things real. Stay positive. Aim to have the sexual interactions you want and not what others or some fantasy world wants to dictate.
Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots."