Susie Essman's husband may want to skip her upcoming memoir — especially the part where the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" star candidly catalogs her weird sexploits with the army of losers she dated.
"My past is littered with unbelievably inappropriate partners. I've been through some real humdingers over the years, or should I say hum-dingdingding-ers . . . I stayed with men when the bells were ringing so loudly Marlee Matlin could have heard them," Essman, who plays Jeff Garlin's wife, Susie Greene, writes in "What Would Susie Say: Bull[bleep] Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy," out in October from Simon & Schuster.
"I remember a guy I once dated who would say things like, 'Bob really likes Susie. Bob wants Susie to get naked' . . . Then there was the guy who insisted on wearing a lobster bib when having oral sex," Essman recalls. "Then there was the freak who every time he went to the bathroom made me applaud."
Just as strange was the oddball who told Essman on their first date that his inner child was Dame Judi Dench. And one boyfriend "admitted to me one day that his pet name for his penis was 'Klaus Barbie, Butcher of Lyon.'
The worst, though, was this one guy who barked every time we did it doggie style. That's a little excessive don't you think? A woof woof every now and then can be fun, almost kinky, but aggressive metered barking every time?"