Just days after the death of the great Jack Kemp, Arlen Specter — the flesh and blood version of Montgomery Burns — tried to blame it on Republicans. He claimed that, "if we had pursued what President Nixon declared... as the war on cancer… Jack Kemp would be alive today."

To which, I can only add as a side note to the Democratic Party: Enjoy, he's all yours.

Which leads me to my next point: As a fan of Kemp, I'm always on the lookout for someone like him.

On TV, I see Joe the Plumber, a pretty average guy who seems decent — except, gays freak him out.

And there's that Jonathan Krohn tyke everywhere — reciting the conservative party line better than most white-haired weenies crawling around the Capitol. He's smart, but he weirds me out. Maybe because at 13, he's already taller than me. Or maybe because he just comes off as a novelty act, like a hairless cat reciting the alphabet.

Which is why I bring up these guys up, not because I hate them, but because I despise novelty. The left was always the three-ring freak show — its microcosm, the Huffington Post, reflected this with kids writing blogs, next to the incompetent bomber, the conspiracy freak and the bearded lady poet. Sometimes it was all the same person.

Now, I'm not saying that the plumber or the paperboy don't belong in the conservative movement. They just shouldn't be in front of it. We'll find our leaders or soon they'll find us. But it's not going to be a guy whose middle name is an article or a boy still sleeping in a twin bed. We don't, in fact, need anyone who "plays a role." What's needed is someone, like Kemp, who was both real and smart and not a cartoon.

Unless, of course, it's a unicorn. Then I take back everything I just said.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld