This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," December 17, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, you get two doses of our pal Dennis, because he has an extensive list of pinheads to tell us about. Miller joins us now from Los Angeles.
All right. I have the list. And again, we didn't tell what you to do. We didn't know what you were going to do. You can pick them out just like Morris, whatever you want to do. I'll run them down. You explain the why, why are they pinheads?
No. 10: Larry Craig, the senator from Idaho. Go.
DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: First up, Bill, I wanted to say my apologies to Nancy Pelosi who was a close 11, but when you assigned me to come up with my top ten pinheads, I realized that to give her pinhead status I would actually have to increase the size of her brainpan twofold. So sorry, Nancy, but you're on the outside drooling in this year.
O'REILLY: She'll try to make the cut next year. She will try to make the cut.
MILLER: She's a — she's a perennial.
No. 10, Larry Craig, the Tapper, manages to somehow make the Nicholas brothers look like Karlov, and somehow turns every airport layover into a telethon for restless leg syndrome. Larry, it is over. It's time to tap out your resignation in Morse code and head back home to your home stall, big fellow.
O'REILLY: All right. So I agree with you that he should have just packed it in. Elongating this is embarrassing for everybody.
No. 9 is a tie between our pals Ted Turner and Deepak Chopra, who appeared on this show a short time ago.
MILLER: Well, I wanted to get to Lenny and Squiggy while their pinheadedness was still fresh in my mind from last week. You know, I loved that when you pointed out the repercussions of us leaving Vietnam and the killing fields and three million dead and Ted Turner actually looks at the screen and says, "I didn't think about that that much." That sums up the liberals' approach to radical Islamic fundamental terror: I didn't think about it that much.
O'REILLY: But at least he was honest.
MILLER: Then Deepak comes in right after him and says that he wants to send doctors and teachers over there instead of the military. Doctors and teachers would be slaughtered on sight. I've come up with an option. Ted and Deepak, why don't we send gurus and moguls over there? How's that?
O'REILLY: All right. No. 8, the pregnant man. Roll the tape.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
THOMAS BEATIE, "THE PREGNANT MAN": I did not feel maternal or motherly or womanly when I was pregnant. I felt like Nancy's husband and I felt like the father of my child. I passed by the mirror one day, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a pregnant man, and I was like, "Oh, my God, I'm pregnant."
(END VIDEO CLIP)
O'REILLY: Just the visual puts him on the list, does it not?
MILLER: Well, if it puts him on, it puts me on, too. Listen, I don't know what to make of this nympho satyr. All I know is the guy is more pregnant than the old woman in the shoe is, and somebody has got to get some protection for this guy, be it a condom or an IUD or satellite dish or a catcher's mitt. I don't even know what he needs down there, but I need an equipment check on aisle five.
O'REILLY: This is one of those things I don't even like to think about, you know?
MILLER: Billy, did you ever see a picture of his first kid?
MILLER: Unbelievable. Look who it is.
MILLER: Well, they'll show you in a second. I asked them to get some footage of his first child. It's Knut, the little bear. I don't know how that happened.
O'REILLY: Did you do a DNA test on him, Miller? Did you do a DNA test on Knut? Are you positive it's the pregnant man's first child?
MILLER: Yes, I did. This kid owes Knut some mackerel on a monthly basis. He is the father.
O'REILLY: What a country.
Pinhead No. 7. I don't know this guy, Fisher Stevens. Who is this guy?
MILLER: Well, he's an actor. And all I know is 20 years ago, 19, 20 years ago, he was dating Michelle Pfeiffer, and then he ran around on her and she left him. And I always swore that if I ever had access to a pinhead list, no matter how far down the road it was, for him cheating on Michelle Pfeiffer, I was going to put him on it. So he's No. 7.
O'REILLY: Particularly when he looks the way he looks. Let's put Mr. Stevens' picture up there. It's a phenomenon that this guy would even be close to Michelle Pfeiffer, and then he blows it.
MILLER: All I have to do is look at those pictures back to back, and you know why 20 years down the road he is No. 7 on my pinhead list.
O'REILLY: No. 6: Fidel Castro.
MILLER: Well, this is an easy one, Bill. I have Fidel on there at No. 6 purely and simply for his refusal to die.
O'REILLY: But look, if you're a pinhead, all right, you do everything you can to avoid judgment day, do you not? Do you not?
MILLER: Yes, but...
O'REILLY: Maybe he's not — maybe he's not that pinhead.
MILLER: Listen, if there is the possibility that Yahweh is licking his chops to throw down on somebody, it's with this guy. And when I see people from Hollywood going down to shake his hand, I just shake my head and think, for God's sakes, could we not draw the line on celebrities somewhere? This guy is a bad guy. He takes people out of their houses in the middle of the night for writing poems he doesn't like. Enough is enough. Die, Castro.
O'REILLY: All right. No. 5, the fifth highest-rated pinhead of the year, New York Giant receiver Plaxico Burress.
MILLER: Well, Bill, for the simple fact that you walk into a nightclub with a gat and a pair of drawstring pants. It falls through your belt, slips down your leg, you go to grab it and set the gun off. Doesn't this guy realize he could have shot himself in the Plaxico?
O'REILLY: That's a good point. And why would you have the gun in your drawers anyway when it is illegal? Why would you do that?
MILLER: All I know is Giant great Sam Hough, when he heard this story, went into his backyard — he's still alive — dug a shallow grave and turned over in it a few times.
O'REILLY: Yes. That's — I mean, and this guy lost millions of dollars, this Burress for doing that.
All right. We'll have more with Dennis Miller. The four biggest pinheads of the year coming up.
O'REILLY: Continuing now with Miller Time. We're down to the top four pinheads of the year, including the champion. Miller rejoins us from Los Angeles.
OK. No. 4 is the "Quatro Chicago." Take it away, Miller.
MILLER: Yes. We have the four horsemen of the apocryphal: Rod Blagojevich, the Reverend Wright, Bill Ayers, and Tony Rezko coming out of the city of big shoulders. Of course, under the leadership of Rod Blagojevich, who to me appears like he's Janet Reno before you add water — but you've got to give it to Blago. He's making a little money out of this. He's already sold his head to Ocean Spray to be their new corporate logo. And I see where the naming rights to his upcoming corruption trial have been sold to Budweiser.
You know, when I take these four — Ayers, Blagojevich, Rezko, and Wright — I think, wow, if only there was some common link between these four men. If only there was another man who connected them. But so far we have not found that man.
O'REILLY: All right. And we do want to be fair and balanced. We're not going to cast any aspersions unless they are warranted.
All right. No. 3: O.J. Simpson. Now, this is easy. Now, this is a pinhead pick that almost anybody could make.
MILLER: That's a sitter at the net, but I've got to thank Juice for giving me this, because I've been waiting for this for years. To think that you almost decapitate a woman and her lover and then 10 years later you are the gift that keeps on giving. You decide to go into an off-strip hotel and brace a guy for bobblehead money, and you end up going in. Thank you, O.J. This is your Christmas gift to me, to know you're going to be in the hole. And trust me, my friend, you're going to find it's a lot easier to get through airports untouched than it is the machine shop in stir.
O'REILLY: Now, do you believe — we discussed this with you a couple of weeks ago. You're a karma guy. You believe what goes around comes around, right?
MILLER: Not all the time. That's why this is so brilliant. It might come around in the next life, but no. Why does Idi Amin live to be 80 and you see only the good men die young? You know, why does a brilliant man like Michael Crichton die younger? So no, I don't think karma always works. But in this case it worked a whole boatload, and I am basting myself in it.
O'REILLY: Is there any chance that Simpson wanted to do this because he loathes himself so much subconsciously?
MILLER: No. Listen, he's addled his conscience away with abuse over the years much less his subconscious, OK. I don't even think he believes he did it? And guess what, O.J.? You have a new address now. They're going to make you keep the Heisman on the other side of the metal detector. Break a leg, my friend.
O'REILLY: OK. No. 2, the second biggest pinhead of the year, John Edwards. Another fairly obvious choice.
MILLER: Well, Billy, I've got to give you credit. We were in early on this guy, Edwards. To call him an empty suit is to do a disservice to clothes hangers. If he were any more low rent, he'd be a spring break destination. And I just early on thought wow, that is a bad guy. Look at him in that thing. I don't see how anybody can look at that picture right there and not say that is a phony cat.
MILLER: What he did to that woman in her time of need. She can forgive him. She might be the only one out there.
O'REILLY: Well, when he exploited the veterans — when he exploited the veterans, that was enough for me. I mean, once he did that, I said enough. The personal stuff is the personal stuff. But exploiting veterans who are sick and this and that, ut uh.
All right. Here it is...
MILLER: All right, Billy, let's go back even further when he gave Dick Cheney the green light on having a lesbian daughter.
MILLER: Are you kidding me? That was the K-2 of presumptuousness. This is a bad guy.
O'REILLY: No shame, no shame. OK. The No. 1 pinhead of the year is Harry Reid. Why, why, Miller?
MILLER: For not apologizing. This is a little gray man who represents Las Vegas, and oddly enough, ironically, he is the dimmest bulb on the entire strip. Every time he speaks, I keep expecting the "CSI" team to come out and put a chalk outline around him.
To say the war is lost is unforgivable. He always wanted to be Churchillian, I guess. He's a small man who fancied himself a great man. And in his efforts to be Winston Churchill, he ended up Ward Churchill.
Listen, if you want to assume some last degree of dignity, Harry, apologize to the troops. The war is lost only if you're speaking for our enemies, because it is indeed lost to them, and you owe them an apology, you pinhead.
O'REILLY: Excellent, Miller. Merry Christmas.
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