It was all about unions on “The Hills” this week. One ended, another began and another is hanging by a very thin thread.
The last of course, would be the relationship of any sane “Hills” fan with the show after this pathetic episode topped off an already pathetic season.
We start with Spencer Pratt supposedly surprising Heidi Montag with a spontaneous Mexican getaway which he predicts will be the most “memorable” vacation of her life. Normally a statement like that might load up viewer suspense, but of course the suspense is ruined for anyone who’s glanced at a news stand in the past month as we all know dumb and dumber end up getting married.
So why does MTV keep pretending like this or any other of the show’s ‘big announcements’ are news? Are we really supposed to be on the edge of our seats to find out if Whitney gets a job at Diane Von Firstenberg when we’ve already seen about a hundred commercials for her upcoming spin-off based on … her job at Diane Von Firstenburg? Lauren might be happy to forget she heard anything about “The City” but we’re not. WE know. We know she's leaving, we know she knows she's leaving, we know Lauren knows she's leaving and we know the producers know we know… enough already.
It’s about time MTV realizes that they’re no longer filming a show about the lives of a few random 20-something’s trying to make it in L.A., but rather a show about a few now-famous 20-somethings struggling to hold on to their celebrity status as long as they possibly can.
We don’t care about seeing Kelly Cutrone call Whitney into her office to tell her she has an opportunity to interview in New York, we want to see footage of when MTV producers called her into their office to tell her she had an opportunity to have her own show. We want to see footage of how Lauren found out. Did MTV tell her? Did Whitney tell her? Was she happy? Jealous? Pissed? These are the questions we need answered people!
But alas instead of watching Spencer and Heidi plot the next move of her illusive singing career, we had to watch them plot a “secret” wedding that “no one” was suppose to ever know about … in front of a reality show camera crew.
The only saving grace of the whole storyline was seeing Heidi dismiss Spencer’s proposition for a while despite the tequila he was funneling down her throat and hearing his ridiculous proposal speech:
"Heidi Montag, when I’m with you, you make me wanna be nicer and that’s why I’m madly obsessed with you. It’s pretty apparent in the fact that I haven’t left your side in pretty much two-and-a-half years. I pretty much keep you from the whole world."
If it had been a movie it would have been the part where Spencer pulls out a hair doll – or a skin suit – as Heidi fights desperately to escape, suddenly realizing she’s in the clutches of a serial killer.
But since it’s the Hills there was no hair doll or skin suit — or even a ring for that matter. Come to think of it there, there wasn’t even a wedding. Instead we got to see Heidi make some vomit-inducing “I’ll show you what a wife does” comment as the two walk off to get married, and then we get to see them wake up the next day, hungover and hitched.
The only evidence of a wedding we get to see is five seconds of post-wedding home video footage where the two show off their cracker jack wedding rings as Heidi downs another glass of alcohol (Can we blame her?).
Why it was daylight out if they allegedly got married the night before, where Heidi got the perfectly fitted ‘surprise’ designer dress, who the heck taped the home video if “no one else” was there, and why the hell the show that exists solely to document every second of their lives decided not to show us any video of their wedding, are yet more questions left unanswered.
But at least we’re not alone on this one. Heidi appears as confused about how her big day went down as we are, which might make it a little difficult for her to recount the event during next week’s surprise encounter with her mom and yes, even Lauren.
With the season finale finally here, it looks like the dueling divas will finally call a truce, JustinBobby will take Audrina on a getaway of their own and Spencer and Heidi will get married … again. But despite any developments, it seems the most one is that Whitney’s leaving “The Hills” for “The City,” and we’re probably going to do the same.