(With apologies to If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, by Laura Joffe Numeroff)

If you give a bank a bailout,

They’ll probably ask for a year end bonus to go with it…

The American public will cry “What a load of crap,”

Which will remind the politicians that they owe their jobs to the public…

The politicians will have to pretend that they understand high finance,

And they’ll stomp around and act tough for the cameras…

When no one’s looking they’ll give the Treasury Secretary $700 billion,

With no strings attached…

Hank will spend half on God knows what,

When he does, the politicians will act indignant and blame George Bush…

George Bush will suggest that the crisis has many fathers,

And no one will care.

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If you give an auto company a bailout,

They’ll probably ask for a larger amount…

The American public will cry “What a load of crap,”

And the politicians will pretend they understand big business…

They’ll hold hearings and demand business plans,

And put on their angry eyes for the cameras…

The auto executives will look contrite,

And explain they’re poised for a comeback…

Nancy Pelosi will suggest a car czar is what they need,

And everyone will agree because it’s catchy and fun to say…

Giving the auto executives $15 billion and their very own czar will save the day,

And monkeys will fly out of Bobo the talking intern’s butt…

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If you give the auto companies the money,

Pelosi says hopefully they’ll be viable by March 2009…

Thinking about that comment,

Makes the public scratch their heads…

According to the PWB, if you give the companies the money,

By March 2009 they’ll ask for more money…

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If you give Congress control of our nation’s industries,

Chris Dodd will tell them who to hire and fire…

If he does that, he’ll get excited and decide on compensation levels,

And other politicians will get involved because playing CEO is fun…

Politicians will tell banks who to loan money to,

Because they forgot to appoint a bank czar…

They’ll establish their very own corporation to oversee all their corporate activity,

And they’ll each get a key to the executive washroom…

Capitol Hill will become a publicly held company with perks and jets and their very own logo,

And naming rights to a stadium…

Running the nation’s businesses will make the politicians tired,

And doing all that hard work will remind them that they don’t get paid enough…

They’ll ask for a year end bonus.

And chances are…

If they ask for a year end bonus,

They’ll want a bailout to go with it.

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As always, we look forward to your comments, thoughts and insight. Send your emails to peoplesweeklybrief@hotmail.com

Til’ next week, stay safe.

Mike Baker served for more than 15 years as a covert field operations officer for the Central Intelligence Agency, specializing in counterterrorism, counternarcotics and counterinsurgency operations around the globe. Since leaving government service, he has been a principal in building and running several companies in the private intelligence, security and risk management sector, including most recently Prescience LLC, a global intelligence and strategy firm. He appears frequently in the media as an expert on such issues. Baker is also a partner in Classified Trash, a film and television production company. Baker serves as a script consultant, writer and technical adviser within the entertainment industry, lending his expertise to such programs as the BBC's popular spy series "Spooks," as well as major motion pictures.