FOXSexpert: Why Isn't She Enjoying Herself With You?

She can climax on her own. She can reach the “Big O” with toys. She can even think her way to bliss. Yet she just can’t orgasm with you.

If it weren’t for all the e-mails I get on this issue, I’d think it was a joke. But it’s real, and a cruel joke at that. Many women are perfectly orgasmic, only not with their lover. Thankfully, there are several ways to make sure she hits heaven when she’s with you:

Ban Bad Words in the Bedroom

And I don’t mean any lurid lingo used while talking dirty. Using the word “achieve” is a big no-no when it comes to climax. Making orgasm a goal — something one accomplishes — often works against lovers. The only thing “achieved” is performance anxiety, which keeps her from enjoying the moment and fully relishing the sensations that can make for a mind-blowing orgasm.

Warm Up!

A gal needs to be finely tuned before she can be played. And being fully aroused for sex may take up to 20 minutes of foreplay for some. Taking the time to maximize sexual arousal is necessary because it also allows for comfortable sex.

Play With Her Crown Jewel

Many women give ample attention to their clitoris during self-pleasuring. But often that doesn’t translate into partnered sex. More than 70 percent of women need clitoral stimulation in order to reach climax. So make sure you fawn all over that hot spot during foreplay.

Orally Entice Her

Since many women can have more than one orgasm in a sex session, give her one before intercourse even takes place. Getting her highly charged before coitus can make it easier for her to climax, as long as the arousal continues.

Strategize When It Comes to Sexual Positions

Many women experience difficulties attaining orgasm through sexual intercourse since so many of the positions do not stimulate the clitoris enough or at all. So use a position like woman-on-top, which is known to be particularly effective.


A woman shouldn’t be afraid to get herself warmed up. She can also grab a vibrator for a different sensation or to make things easier.

While any of these suggestions should help the situation, a woman should also do some work on her own. She can:

— Stimulate herself to orgasm while visualizing you and her doing the deed. This can be a powerful method of retraining her orgasmic response.

— Brainstorm some titillating imagery to use during sex romps.

— Incorporate Kegel exercises into her daily routine.

— Do any work she needs to do on herself to overcome issues she might have that are impacting her comfort during sex, for example, body image or intimacy issues.

— Practice breathing exercises that will increase her comfortability, helping her to surrender to the sensations she hopes to experience with a partner. Her body may surprise her with some instinctual reactions of its own.

— Buy a good sex book about female hot spots, pleasuring and orgasm to let you in on the best of these little secrets.

Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots."

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