We’re as excited today as we were on November 5 that Barack Obama has been elected President. But we know he’s just one man, and as Americans, we each must do our part to help our country through this critical transition.
Obama has already appointed Rahm Emanuel as Chief of Staff, but we feel it’s our civic duty to lend a hand to round out his main team. So we’d like to suggest this Pop Culture Cabinet:
Secretary of State: James Bond (Sean Connery)
He’s an international man of mystery. He’s traveled the world. He can speak many languages. He looks good in a tux. And he could hold his own in a face-to-face with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Secretaries of the Treasury: Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) and Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) from Trading Places
If they can do for Wall Street now what they did for their own bank accounts then — and as quickly — we’ll all be seeing a positive change in our 401Ks in no time.
Attorney General:Ben Matlock (Andy Griffith) from Matlock
We don’t think this guy’s ever lost a case. He’s willing to even turn on his own witnesses if it means justice will be served. He also wears the same suit every day, so we’ll avoid those nasty Sarah Palin shopping charges. And he’s Southern, so he might win over some red-state voters.
Secretary of Defense: David Lightman (Matthew Broderick) from WarGames
If things are looking perilous with some edgy foreign leader, Lightman can just sit down and say these famous words, “How about a nice game of chess?” Seemed to work the last time the world was on the brink of destruction.
Secretaries of the Interior: The ladies of Designing Women(Dixie Carter, Annie Potts, Jean Smart, and Delta Burke)
We’re not sure what the Secretary of the Interior does, but we figure no one designs interiors better than the ladies of Sugarbakers Design House. So we nominate the leads of Designing Women.
Secretary of Agriculture: Chance the Gardner (Peter Sellers) from Being There
OK, so he might like to watch more than do, but the guy was a gardener his whole life, and President “Bobby” and his team seemed to dig his point of view.
Secretary of Commerce: Mr. Banks (David Tomlinson) from Mary Poppins
Don’t let the fact that he’s British and quit his last banking job to go fly a kite with a couple of kids freak you out. He got his job back after killing the old dude with laughter (but that’s another story for another time). All we’re saying is we’d trust Jane and Michael’s dad with our tuppence.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Hawkeye Pierce (Alan Alda) from M*A*S*H
Hawkeye made the war bearable for a lot of people, so imagine the good he could do now.
Secretary of Labor: Norma Rae (Sally Field) from Norma Rae
We like her, we really like her. Let Norma organize the labor forces of this country like she did for her textile factory. We’re not saying go union; we’re just saying you gotta have a plan to bring the workers together.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Dr. Doug Ross (George Clooney) from ER
George was a totally solid doctor on ER, so he’s got the health part down. And it seems he’s been servicing at least half of the human population for years…are we right, ladies? So we’re willing to take a chance on his qualifications and recommend him. Come on, he’s Clooney. How bad could it be?
Secretary of Homeland Security: Norman Kane (Eugene Levy) from Armed and Dangerous
Nothing disarms people like humor, so we recommend security guard Norman Kane to help keep our borders safe.
Secretaries of Housing and Urban Development: Stanley and Helen Roper (Norman Fell and Audra Lindley) from Three’s Company
They were smart enough to buy an income property in Santa Monica, California, in the ’70s and that city’s become one of the five most expensive real estate markets in the country now. We think they know what they’re doing.
Secretary of Transportation: Del Griffith (John Candy) from Planes, Trains And Automobiles
When his plane was delayed, Griffith got himself and Neal Page (Steve Martin) on a train. When the train broke down, he hopped in a rental car, and when that lit on fire he hopped into the back of a truck and then boarded another train. This guy knows how to get around.
Secretary of Education: Gabe Kotter (Gabe Kaplan) from Welcome Back, Kotter
Mr. Kotter took a bunch of inner-city kids and made learning fun. And at least one of the Sweathogs went on to be a big success. (OK, that’s John Travolta, not Vinnie Barbarino, but suspend your disbelief and just go with it.)
Secretary of Energy: Storm (Halle Berry) from X-Men
Storm can control the weather. Think about it. Want solar power? She’ll clear storm clouds away and make sure the sun shines through. Want to get your wind turbines cranking? She’ll create a strong breeze. Did your electric car break down in the desert? Just a flash of lightning from her eyes, and you’re good to go.