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Dennis Miller on Ahmadinejad on 'Larry King,' Economic Chaos

This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," September 24, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: a lot to talk about, including the ruthless Iranian leader, Ahmadinejad, condemning the USA at the United Nations and then hopping into a car to visit Larry King.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

LARRY KING, HOST, "LARRY KING LIVE": How many children do you have?

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD, PRESIDENT OF IRAN (through translator): Three.

KING: Boy, girl, what?

AHMADINEJAD: One girl and two sons.

KING: How old?

AHMADINEJAD: Two have been married. That means — well, first they graduated and then they got married. And one is a student at the university.

KING: You don't look old enough to have married children.

AHMADINEJAD: In Iran, we marry early.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

O'REILLY: Wow. Joining us now from Los Angeles, radio talk show star...

Click here to watch Miller Time.

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Ahmad, Ahmad, Mosul — go ahead!

O'REILLY: I mean, look, I like Larry. Larry is a nice guy. But I have never, I have never — that would be like in 1938, Heinrich Himmler coming to the U.N., OK? "Hate the Jews, kind of want to kill all the gypsies, get those gay guys, too." He goes over to CNN and they go, "How many kids have you got, Heinrich?" I mean, jeez, your head's going to blow off.

MILLER: How long does it take you to grow the 'stache, Adolf? How long?

O'REILLY: What do you think here, Miller?

MILLER: I'm just surprised Larry didn't have him on his O.J. panel. I thought it was a bad sign at the beginning when he went to the pixilated background there on the old "Larry King" set and unscrewed all the bulbs that illuminated Israel. I thought that was a big tell.

Listen, to me, once a guy thinks I'm Satan, it's a bad starting point for a relationship. I mean, like three hours earlier he's standing in front of 63 guys in a fez, this Corporal Klinger lighting double calling us Satan, and all of a sudden he's over at "Larry."

To me, it's a bad point of departure for a relationship. It's like Clint Eastwood sleeping with Jessica Walter in "Play Misty for Me" and the next day she shows up unannounced to cook dinner. It's just creepy. It creeps me out.

O'REILLY: But here's what I don't understand. Here's what I don't understand. You've got this guy Ahmadinejad who's going to try to develop nuclear weapons that kill everybody or whatever he wants to do. He comes into your studio, all right? You've got him there. You've got the flowers, you've got everything. And you're asking him about his kids? And he doesn't look old enough to have grandchildren?

You would think that CNN would have just written him a few questions like, "Why are you an anti-Semite? Why don't you just cooperate with the world? Why does the United Nations want to condemn you and all the nations hate you?" You know, and then talk to him about his shoes or his wristwatch or whatever. But no. It was staggering.

All right. The economic meltdown: You got any money left, Miller?

MILLER: Well, you know, Bill, I'm not very good at picking stocks. I remember once I bought a goodly portion of JDS Uniphase. The next day I tuned into the stock market channel and it had just won a cliff-diving championship in Mexico.

So short of putting my money in my mattress — and I did that once, and they took all the money, the government, because I had ripped the tags off the mattress — I'm putting all of my personal fortune into "Factor" gear.

O'REILLY: "Factor" gear is it, boy. And that stuff goes up in value. You know, three, four, five years from now on eBay, you triple your investment. And plus, poor people get helped by it.

MILLER: I don't have — I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off right now giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than you would putting it in the stock market.

O'REILLY: You have to send your kids through college. You have to do what every other American has to do. And a lot of Americans are losing confidence in the — it's rigged. It's a rigged game.

MILLER: Listen, Bill. I have to do what other Americans have to do, but I think it would be disingenuous to say I haven't made a good buck off of being in show business. So it's not exactly as rough as it is on some people.

I'll tell you the way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do. I pay things off.

O'REILLY: So you have Swifty — you have Swifty making your investments and everything, going, "Dennis, baby, I just got you some land in Costa Rica." You go, "Oh, that's good?" Are you doing the Billy Joel routine? You know, Billy Joel made like $100 million, and all of a sudden some guy named Monte took it all and went to Uruguay. You're not doing that, are you?

MILLER: Monte — no, Monte was his P.O.'ed brother-in-law, quite frankly. I would never do that. I just pay things off. Whenever I buy something, a car. I try to pay houses off. That's all I do.

O'REILLY: You're not mad about the government not telling anybody and the greedy pinheads ruining the economy?

MILLER: Sure I am mad about it. I think if they give that $700 billion check to Paulson, they ought to make it like a PGA winner's check on the PGA tour. That big check. At least we have the photo opportunity.

And as far as these golden parachutes go for these guys who muck it up, I think they actually ought to give them golden parachutes and make them jump out at around 18,000 feet.

O'REILLY: OK. Here's a real one. I like that. I like that, Miller. I think we might be working on that.

All right. I'm glad you're OK out there. I'm glad nothing is going on. And if you see Larry King, you know, tell him next time give me a call, I'll give him some questions.

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