So, a few years back, Seattle planners decided to install self-cleaning, high-tech toilets in certain areas of their city. They said it was to accommodate tourists, but the real reason was to keep hobos and whores from pooping and screwing in front of restaurants.

Anywho, the city, always frugal when it comes to spending your money on key matters, threw $5 million bucks at five potties. By my math, that's approximately a thousand bucks per flush, depending on how you wipe.

Now however, we find that these million dollar poop-shooters were just sold by the city, on eBay, for a sum total of $12,549 — a pretty steep drop, even for a commode. You know, I've heard that when you drive a new car off the lot, it loses 10 percent of its value. I guess it's far worse if you let the homeless crap in it.

So the city got hosed, instead of the homeless, which is kind of funny. But why did Seattle get rid of them anyway? Because the bathrooms had become hell holes of whoring and drug use.

And herein lies the lesson: Bad people don't appreciate good things. They only make them bad. The fact is, if you don't want transients crapping in front of your Fuddruckers, LOCK UP THE DIRTBAGS. The idea that years of squalid living can be reversed by a warm toilet seat only reveals the profound delusions underpinning liberal social policies.

In the end, no one cares about a toilet unless it belongs to them. And even then, I still sometimes miss.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld