So I spent last Saturday night, like I always do: In the tub, surrounded by candles, cradled by Pasqual, my Ecuadorian houseboy as he sang a broken English version of "Your Body Is a Wonderland."
But I also had the television tuned into Rick Warren's civil forum, which I had assumed was like Penthouse Forum, but with muskets.
I was wrong.
Instead it had Obama and McCain talking about stuff, including evil, which may be the most defining issue ever. That's because despite the existence of crazy people who want us dead, Barack prefers to see evil in Darfur and well, ourselves.
Darfur, of course, is an easy choice because who's for genocide? But the rest of his answer reveals that, unlike McCain, Obama is a fearful relativist, too timid to point out real evil for fear it makes him look un-cool.
See, these days, saying there's such thing as good and evil is the philosophical equivalent of shouting at the neighbor's kids who just peed on your lawn.
McCain had no problem identifying evil; he's seen it up close. But with Obama, evil is just one response to our own country's flaws. We shouldn't be surprised, after 9/11, Obama was more interested in root causes of that evil, than punishing those who did it. "Root causes" always means "it's our fault."
That's his position: Before America can fight evil, it must first admit its own, to regain the moral high ground. But here's the thing, evil doesn't care about moral high ground. Russia still would have invaded Georgia, even if Gitmo never happened.
As Pasquel said to me, while patting me down with a towel, "Greg, Obama is a post-modern lightweight who can't face the true nature of man or the delusions of his own beliefs."
It's so nice to see those Rosetta Stone CDs are finally paying off!
And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.