Published June 16, 2008
So, according to new research from somewhere really stupid, just touching a bikini makes men more prone to seek instant gratification — coming in the form of blown diets, budgets and bank accounts.
Never mind that men generally blow all of that on the woman in said bikini, the researchers believe that unquenched sexual arousal triggers a need to seek out other quick kinds of gratification.
For me, it's unicorns and macaroni and cheese shaped into unicorns.
This research was done in Belgium, one of the most pointless countries in Africa, where the scientists actually had men fondle bras and then measure their response. When they fondled the frilly under-things, the men valued their future less and the present more, which made them more willing to buy crap like ice cream, goat porn and goat porn ice cream.
The conclusion: Sexy girls help sell stuff.
You're joking! How did I not know this!
I mean, all this time we've been booking hot chicks on "Red Eye" just to keep them off drugs and away from the busy hands of Olbermann — who knew it had a residual effect!
Thank you, Belgian researchers for discovering what mankind has known for four trillion years. Call us when you get a cure for cancer.
And if you disagree with me, may your next flight be filled with screaming babies.