Advantages to Having a Big Family

I love Michelle Duggar.

She's only 41 and about to have her 18th child. That's right — eighteen. She's already got a baseball team, a basketball team and four left over to play doubles ping pong.

People are giving her crap for this, but they’re dead wrong.

Here's why having all these kids is pure genius: If you have only one kid and he turns out to be a pathetic loser — a Kato Kaelin or a Pauly Shore, if you will — you're screwed. It’s like putting all your money on 20 red and losing.

Far better to spread your wealth all over the place by having 18 kids. Think about it, if one of your offspring shaves his head and joins a cult, no one would miss him. The others would simply fight over his bed.

Also, when Michelle's old, she's guaranteed an endless stream of visitors bringing her crossword puzzles and Scotch. Factoring in grandkids and great grandkids, you'll have hundreds of people dying to hear your nonsensical stories, while they wipe your nose and clean your bedpan. I can't think of a more amusing way to go, frankly.

Finally, our enemies in the War on Terror understand the need for big families. They realize that the more you produce, the more you're likely to win. Think about it — the horniness of the American male is our secret weapon against the massive families that make for an assembly line of suicidal bombers.

This is why we need Tommy Lee more than ever.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com