So on NPR I found the funniest story ever:

It's about Julio Diaz, a 31-year-old social worker who got mugged on the subway by a teen armed with a knife. Julio offered him his wallet. But as the mugger left, he also offered his jacket. "To keep you warm," he said, Christ-like.

Of course, the robber was floored by Julio's generosity — especially when he then invited the thug out to eat. The two hit Julio's favorite diner. The teen was awestruck how popular Diaz was, and how nice he was — even to the dishwasher. After dinner, the teen returned the wallet. Of course, Diaz gave him some money in exchange for the knife.

Okay, this story stinks to high heaven — there's no name of the mugger, the restaurant they went to, or its employees. But even if it isn't bogus, it's still masturbatory pap masquerading as selflessness. Blow your own horn much, Julio? There's something nauseating about a guy who pimps himself out as a benevolent Samaritan. Unsung heroes are only that, if you keep your mouth shut.

But even worse, Diaz offers insults every victim of violent crime. "If you treat people right," he says, "you can only hope that they treat you right. It's as simple as it gets in this complicated world."

So, buy a thug dinner and he won't rape your family. The progressive mindset toward crime has never been stated more succinctly.

Next week, look out for Julio inviting the homeless to sleep at his house. The lesson: "They're just like us, without soap."

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld