So I was trying to read The New York Times the other night — its hard when you've got houseboys to delouse — and I came across an article noting that sexual monogamy doesn't exist in the animal kingdom.

They looked at birds and voles (which are like Kathy Griffin but with less hair), and found that their offspring were often sired by someone other than the hubby. This means that — like my dream to have two pelvises — monogamy is a fantasy.

I'm not so much intrigued by this story, as I am by its timing — it came out right after Eliot Spitzer got his penis stuck in the vagina jar.

You see, when it comes to philandering Democrats, the media is usually willing to attribute their behavior not to corruption — but to nature. But If you look at a goofball like Larry Craig — a Republican arrested for toe-tapping on a toilet — you'll find the media only focused on hypocrisy.

Fact is, the media identifies more with screwed-up Democrats, so they cut them slack. Get caught poking a hooker, then it's just part of life in a promiscuous planet full of horny primates and vivacious voles. Unless you're Republican — then you're a crook.

Me, I want consistency — not just in scandal coverage, but also in the quality of soundproofing. The neighbors complained again about the shrieking. Not that I blame them.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld