In New York, the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene is handing out its new free condom to commuters. And new dispensers will dot the city, based on the premise that condoms need to be out of the closet and free of embarrassment.

Garbage. Condoms are supposed to cause embarrassment.

When I was growing up, the pharmacies nearby were all manned by women — two of them, my sisters. That kept me from having sex until I was 32.

And condoms don't need to be free either. They're already cheaper than bottled water and come in better flavors.

But what really steams my butt? That health experts still believe we need to be educated about condoms.

Look, you take it out of the wrapper and unroll it on a banana and that keeps you from getting pregnant. I've seen it on "Oprah."

But more important: If you're smart enough to know how a condom works, then you really owe it to the world not to use them. Clearly your offspring will be good at planning, problem-solving and latex handling. That helps with civic planning and dance.

Also, I know for a fact that I wasn't planned. My parents were both old when the stork came. And if a free condom had been in the house nine months before, it's possible the stork would have choked on it and I would not be talking to you now. At least, that's how I think it works.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld