What's in a Name?

So, I just read a poll of 1,200 moms, where 10 percent thought about changing the name they'd given their babies. Their main reason: regret.

The researchers say this is common — especially if you've bought 10 books on baby names and suddenly you realize, that after six months, junior isn't really turning out to look like Huckleberry Prawn. But more like Jeff.

And this is the big problem with parenting and with civilization in general: We're selfish pigs. We name our kids for us, not them.

So parents will think it's boring to say, "This is my son, John," as opposed to "This is my son, Atomic Strawberry Sauce." And so, you're left with a pile of pillows and towels monogrammed with the letters A.S.S., when you probably should have just worn a condom.

When I have kids, I'm changing their name every year. That way it keeps the relationship fresh and I won't be tempted to parent outside the home.

Plus, the name can match their age. As a toddler, I'll call him Smelly. As a preteen, I'll call him Stupid and as a teen, I'll call him Slave.

My parents did the same for me and look how well I turned out.

And if you disagree with me, you sir, are worse than Hitler.

And that’s my gut feeling!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld