The Free Range Fallacy

So this lady was on TV talking about how great free-range turkeys are for Thanksgiving. By allowing the bird its freedom, it ends up living a better life — one based on instinct, not industry.

Of course, none of this has any effect on their inevitable outcome: When it's penetrated repeatedly with a thermometer and violated by a baster.

And this is where the idea of "free range being humane" falls apart.

I ask, what's worse: Raising an animal for food or raising an animal for food, but pretending you're not?

The latter is actually crueler, because you're setting the bird up for a fall. He thinks life is unicorns and rainbows and then you kill it. Keep the bird in a cage, and the prospect of death seems like a release. It's how I view my life currently, by the bysies.

But if you really feel bad about the life of a turkey, then I suggest you adopt one — and not only raise, but bathe, massage and make him booties. Take him to a day spa, give it a mud bath and enliven its loins with a relaxing rubdown.

And when you're done, let's see if he feels any happier when you're shoving a pound of stuffing up its rectum. I doubt it.

And if you disagree, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

And that's my gut feeling!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to:

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld