The "Zero Tolerance" police are at it again.
School officials in Dennis Township, N.J., suspended a second grader after he drew stick figures depicting himself pointing a gun at another student for a class art assignment.
After 7-year-old Kyle Walker gave the picture to his friend, the friend's parents complained to the principal.
Here's a news flash for all of the "Zero Intelligence" advocates out there: little boys love guns. They love drawing guns, talking about guns and playing guns. Every video game that I've ever been most interested in has involved guns.
When I was a kid, my favorite television show was "S.W.A.T.," and my favorite toy was a "S.W.A.T." toy machine gun, which I played with until my mother broke it over her knee because the constant rat-a-tat, rat-a-tat drove her nuts.
My second favorite television show was "C.H.I.P.S.," which I played so much on my bike that the neighbors finally complained to my parents because the constant wail of my siren (which I still can do quite well, much to Mrs. Grrr's chagrin) was a non-stop drone around the two blocks I was allowed to ride my bike.
I was always Ponch, if you couldn't guess after seeing any video or pictures of me.
The point is, I didn't grow up to be any kind of mass murderer, as much as all of the 7-year-old girls drawing hearts on art assignments grow up to be nymphomaniacs.
If the "Zero Tolerance" police want to make better use of their time, perhaps they should consider this list of things that should be on their radar:
Kid Rock
After making headlines for getting into a slap-fight with Tommy Lee at the MTV Video Music Awards, you'd think the guy would have learned his lesson about fighting.
Instead, the pop-rocker was arrested this week after getting into a fight at an Atlanta Waffle House after playing a gig.
Waffle House!? If it weren't so pathetic it would be hilarious.
Britney Spears
Britney Spears reportedly got collagen injections in her lips to make her look more like Angelina Jolie. In a related incident, the pop has-been got visitation rights with her children temporarily restored.
Perhaps the judge mistook her for Brangelina. Who knew it would work?
Hannah Montana
If you're a parent who can't get tickets to the Miley Cyrus "Best of Both Worlds" tour — thanks to heartless brokers who drove up ticket prices to major sporting event levels — you'll be happy to hear the concert is being filmed in 3-D for a theatrical release in February.
Now your kids can see their favorite star without enriching the sleazeballs of the universe who scoffed up all the tickets.
Tom Brady
This guy has zero tolerance for losing. He's got 27 touchdown passes already, and over 2,000 yards passing. I like to bust his chops in my weekly FOX & Friends GRRR Picks segment, but man, he's so great, and a class act after each and every game.
Say what you want about Coach Beli-CHEAT, Tom Brady would find a way to win in even a Dolphins (0-7) jersey. I'd hate to be Patriots backup QB Matt Cassell.
Talk about zero tolerance. With the Patriots up by 42-14 over the Fins, Belichick put in Cassell, who was quickly intercepted by Jason Taylor, who ran it back for a TD. Brady was back in the game on the next set of downs.
Infomercials
Yes, the new hottie actress playing "Bionic Woman" Jaime Sommers, Michelle Ryan, is an adequate replacement for '70s icon Lindsay Wagner, but does that mean we'll see Ryan doing infomercials 30 years from now?
As Bugs Bunny would say, "MeYeahhh, could be."
Flipping through channels while watching live TV (as opposed to what's recorded in your DVR — "Tell Me You Love Me," anyone?) is like one of those scenes in a movie where the protagonist is watching television and every channel is hawking some kind of product or another.
Did you know that if you're up past 2 a.m. watching TV, you can buy anything from exercise equipment to acne treatment to ballet barres to makeup that makes one look like they're not wearing makeup?
And of course, "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs. Wouldn't want to leave those out.
I was up late Saturday night and found myself watching a half-hour infomercial about singer Diana Krall. I never knew she was so good. At least one positive thing came out of my insomnia.
I ordered the CD. Next time you complain about your cable DVR bill, think about how much money you're saving by skipping all of those commercials and infomercials.
But if you watch any sporting event on a time delay, like I do, skipping commercials as you go along, have you noticed that advertisers are catching on? Every product running during a football game these days features some kind of football field and players and even stadium crowds.
If you think this isn't done so the DVR and TiVo watchers aren't tricked into stopping the fast forwarding, you're sorely mistaken.
But as much as that Grrrs me, I've got to hand it to Madison Avenue.
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