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Ugly People Need Rights

Last night we talked about a casino that's instituting weight and height requirements for new hires, along with a stipulation that employees stay within 5 percent of their ideal weight or face counseling.

This saddened me. And so I went home thinking about this, brooding in my rotating bed with a bucket of fried chicken and my handyman, Ricardo. I wanted to talk to Ricardo about the plight of the ugly people, but he wouldn't understand for he is beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, it makes me want to hurt him… again.

Anyway, it occurred to me that ugly people are the last group to have their own movement. Even fat people have acceptance societies — groups that champion the right to eat pies in the bathtub.

But what of the uglies? Who weeps for our misshapen brothers and sisters? This current climate of anti-ugliness almost cries out for a protest.

Good luck.

To march in protest against ugly discrimination is to admit you're ugly. Fact is, ugly people are too insecure — and ugly — to handle the spotlight.

I volunteer myself — a great looking person — to lead the charge for Ugly Rights. And I ask you to support me. If you're attractive and feel strongly about the rights of ugly people, please send me a naked photo of yourself as proof — along with $1 — to "Red Eye," c/o FOX News, 1211 Avenue of the Americas.

Together, we can put a stop to this injustice and, even better, I get naked pictures.

Dass ist mein Darmgefuehl!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld (weeknights 3-4AM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld