Guess who's breaking little girls' hearts all across the nation?
No, it's not Rick Salomon, who got married to Pamela Anderson a week ago. I know a lot of you went there first, and I understand, really. I mean, who wouldn't want their little girl with the guy from the Paris Hilton porn video?
(Remember, Paris ... Once a porn star, always a porn star).
No, it's not him. It's not even a guy who's breaking those delicate little hearts. It's fictional cutie Hannah Montana, played by singer/actress Miley Cyrus on the hit Disney Channel show.
Cyrus is doing a nationwide tour as Hannah Montana, and -- wouldn't you know? -- ticket brokers have snatched up most of the ducats so they can resell them to kids at exorbitant prices.
Tickets that have a face value of $26 are going for as much as 10 times that amount, and $56 seats are listed at over $300. Seats in the first three rows: $2,500.
Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter, is just 14 years old, and the show she fronts is one of the biggest on cable today. But $2,500 for a basic cable act?
It's gotten so bad that even "convenience-charge"-happy Ticketmaster is suing a software company to try to get it to stop selling software that helps brokers essentially skip the cyber-line and snatch up thousands of tickets before you even get to the checkout page.
Ticketmaster is suing someone for unfair business practices. That's laughable, but I digress.
The Missouri attorney general has also filed charges against three brokers for trying to sell tickets to undercover investigators at high prices.
These brokers are the lowest of the low.
It's one thing to broker Rolling Stones or Bon Jovi tickets for prices much higher than face value, because those acts attract adults who presumably can afford to bite the bullet, or at least can get away with buying just one ticket for themselves.
But when you're talking a family affair, like Hannah Montana, an act that families would typically attend together, the prices for these tickets are out of reach for most parents and tweens.
This puts moms and dads in very precarious circumstances with their tweens, because you know little Jenny's parents down the block are going to get tickets, by hook or by crook. Then you'll have to explain to your children that you simply can't afford to send them to the show.
I know this isn't Earth-shattering stuff here, but taking your kids to a concert is supposed to be fun. Thanks to brokers, it's stressful instead.
What else Grrrs you?
Maybe you don't have kids, and you've never heard of Hannah Montana and couldn't care less if ticket brokers are gouging working parents, and you're sick of hearing and reading about it.
I can understand that.
Sunday, while killing time at an airport (really, I was just watching the Dallas/New England game), I wanted to strangle a guy who kept talking about his life to a couple he had just met.
He was like a broken record.
We got to hear about his military background, his job at a sports network, an electronics firm, his sharpshooter ranking. And then, after about 40 minutes of nonstop one-sided conversation, he had the audacity to tell the bartender, "I've been sitting here and I haven't ordered anything yet," as if she had been ignoring him.
The woman almost jumped the bar and ripped his larynx out of his throat, which I'm sure would have improved her tips for the day. I left at halftime and got home just in time for "Football Night in America," where being funny is apparently more important than being a sports broadcaster.
When did that happen?
Just because Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long have great chemistry together and Jimmy Johnson and Curt Menefee on the "NFL on FOX" pregame show always seem to have a lot of fun together (and get the best ratings), doesn't mean all the other shows have to try to be funny and force some kind of "chemistry" between the anchors.
I really don't want to watch Cris Collinsworth and Bob Costas do that buddy thing.
Ditto Shannon Sharpe and company over on CBS. I mean, the guy tells some pretty funny jokes, but he's got marbles or something in his mouth and I can never understand a word he says.
I know it's funny only because Dan Marino and Boomer Esiason can't control their laughter whenever Sharpe quips about something.
I'm not trying to bash these guys. Surely they're being told to laugh it up and they're simply following orders.
Speaking of following orders, the editors at large are telling me to wrap it up, so without further ado, here are some of Your Grrrs from last week's column.