So this morning, while getting my daily micro-bead facial scrub using nothing but a paste of crushed almond shells and gopher spit, I came across a study about women in the workplace.
This one looked at big companies and found that those with at least three women directors turned better profits than other publicly traded sausage parties. The reason: "Diversity, well managed, produces better results."
In fact, this whole study reeks of idiocy. For one, the researchers ignore the real reason women help in the boardroom: Men love women.
When you have a hot babe sitting across from you while some bozo discusses "return on invested capital," it makes life bearable. If you want men to work hard, show up on time and stay late, then pack your offices with girls.
If people ask why, tell them it's all about "diversity" and "equal opportunity." They'll buy that crap. Then suggest "Wet T-shirt Wednesdays."
It's fact: Men perform to impress girls. Without women, incentive for working — and even bathing — dissipates into a noxious cloud of foul body odor.
Exhibit A? Bill Schulz.
Seriously, the only reason I show up at FOX is because of perks like "Casual Sex Fridays" and the nude sports massage — not to mention all the hot women.
I feel like I work at the world's greatest high school, where all the chicks are cheerleaders and all the men are pudgy, un-athletic and hairy in the wrong paces. That's how a workplace should be. And if you disagree, you're probably worse than Hitler.
Dass ist mein Darmgefuehl!
And that's my gut feeling.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld (weeknights 3-4AM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.