GRRR! Britney Should Disappear to the Suburbs

By

Published September 11, 2007

| FoxNews.com

Britney Spears | High School Nude-ical | Birkhead's Birthday Bash | Dumbest Man in America | Your GRRRs | Get the GRRR! Book

So much to GRRR, so little time...

Britney Flops

Britney Spears' much-hyped "comeback" performance at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday will go down in history as one of the biggest flops in television, music and awards show history.

Watching the opening of the VMAs was like sitting in during a dress rehearsal several hours before the actual show opened. Britney seemed lost. She lost her balance as she hit her marks (we can't even call it dancing) and didn't even bother trying to lip synch the right lyrics.

Britney Spears is a sad, pathetic woman who should take what's left of her fortune and disappear to a suburb to raise her children and have some semblance of an ordinary life.

The VMAs have long been a platform for troubled artists, from Andrew Dice Clay's lifetime banning after cursing his way through a monologue to Michael Jackson's make-out session with Lisa Marie Presley.

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Watching the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards must be like what hell would be like. I can picture Satan chaining me down to a chair in a fiery pit, facing a 108-inch HDTV with surround sound, playing a loop of Britney's performance.

At least when Jackson gave an acceptance speech for an award he didn't win at the VMAs a few years after he smooched with Presley, we could chalk that up to the guy being wacky.

With Spears, this performance was supposed to mark her comeback into the cruel world of show biz that left her behind after two busted marriages, two kids and too many vodka-Red Bulls.

And what happened to the much-talked about collaboration with Vegas IT boy Criss Angel?

If the illusionist was supposed to create the illusion that Spears was actually singing, he failed miserably. If he had made her disappear he might have earned all the free publicity he received last week in Vegas.

Add Angel and MTV to the long list of leeches who have used and abused Britney, from her family to her ex-husband to her managers to her agents to her publicists to her so-called friends.

But Spears had no right to be opening that show in the first place.

That's one thing we can agree with Kanye West's temper tantrum about.

"I can't believe she would even perform," the AP reports a guest overhearing West saying backstage. "She hasn't had a hit record in years."

I hear you Kanye, but seriously dude, what do you care if you didn't win an MTV award?

Did you watch the show? It's an anachronism. A shadow of its former self. A mess of a production and waste of DVR space. Thank goodness it wasn't broadcast in HD — just think how much more space would have been wasted on your hard drive.

The only person who made the most of his appearance was Justin Timberlake.

In between the lip-synching dance routines, at least Timberlake got to hammer the point that MTV needs to go back to what made it the go-to channel for young people in the first place: music videos.

"We don't want to see the Simpsons [Jessica and Ashlee] on reality television. Play more damn videos," he said.

Amen, Justin. However, with the girls of "The Hills" introducing you to the main stage, it's clear that the channel so many people grew up with is a thing of the past.

As for me, now that I've heard Sarah Silverman's jokes about Spears' children resembling her private parts ... MTV will be blocked in the Grrr! household from this day forward.

Give me RaveTV on the high-definition VOOM Networks any day of the week over MTV. That's where you will find real music television these days. If you don't yet have it, demand it.

Vanessa Hudgens' Nude Photo

What can we say about adorable 18-year-old "High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens?

First, Hudgens confirmed that a nude photo of her that hit the Web last week was real.

Now it comes out that she reportedly sent risque photos of herself to the object of her desire (Drake Bell of Nickelodeon's "Josh and Drake") in an e-mail.

I'm embarrassed to say I took a peek at the offending picture.

There I was, waiting for the FBI child pornography division to bust down my office door when I pulled up one of the many Web sites that had the unedited picture.

Hudgens looks like a little girl in the photo, and unless you're 15 years old, there is absolutely nothing sexy about the pic.

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In fact, most adult Web sites make you click the "I'm Over 18" button before gaining entrance to the adult content. In the case of the Vanessa Hudgens' nudie, the button should read "I'm Under 15" before entering the site.

The publication of the nude photo, at least, is a sad lesson for the star of one of the biggest phenomena to hit cable television.

Her parents must be mortified. Parents everywhere should be outraged.

While what the "High School Musical" cutie did was not Earth-shattering — she didn't break any laws after, all — for it to go unpunished will send the wrong message to the millions of little girls who now know the purity displayed in the kid-friendly movies was nothing more than a sham.

It's an unfortunate turn of events for Hudgens, her parents, the fans of the franchise and for Disney, which will no doubt suffer a financial setback from its heretofore windfall movie series.

Dannielynn's First Birthday

Larry Birkhead continues to profit from his motherless daughter.

The pretty-boy photographer banned cameras and cell phones from the birthday bash the Barnstable Browns of Louisville hosted for the 1-year-old over the weekend, which featured an elaborate birthday cake and Barney the Dinosaur.

Wow.

I have no problem with Birkhead wanting to give his little girl the world. That's what good fathers want to do.

I do see a problem, however, with profiteering from the whole sordid affair, and that goes for everyone involved, including "Entertainment Tonight" for buying the scoop, Rita Cosby and her salacious book and even Birkhead for not just closing the door on all of this garbage that he is surrounded by.

Birkhead loves to go on the offensive against the Fourth Estate with the "I am a journalist" line, citing his credentials whenever a story hits the wire that does not massage him, but every journalist knows the best way to be left alone is to stay low.

Throwing a high-profile birthday bash for a 1-year-old who won't remember it anyway is not the way to get the press to leave you alone.

Google Yourself

I Googled myself the other day. It's nice to read that I'm "The Dumbest Man in America."

While I don't take myself very seriously, I do take the title seriously, and I embrace it with all of my stupidity.

I mean, who wouldn't want "The Dumbest Man in America" title? I can say and write anything at all now, and just chalk it up to being the dumbest man in America. I think I'll trademark it.

And mom, please stop blogging about me.

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