Wow, this is awkward: You, sitting there in your pajamas, me, standing here in my fancy TV studio looking like a million bucks, my every whim satisfied by my personal assistant Seth Kansas, who is also a competitive body builder and licensed massage therapist.
I bet you're wondering how I got to this place in my life.
It was from playing tag.
• Don't just sit there: Watch Greg's Greg-alogue
True, I spent each recess chasing people, sometimes in tears, often covered in blood — Type A, if you collect. But tag always made me stronger. It was an emotional steroid — one that didn't give me acne or shrink my gonads.
But today's youth may miss this experience. A Colorado school has banned tag, after some kids claimed they were being chased against their will.
According to a principal at the Discovery Canyon Campus, tag causes "conflict." Running games, she says, are fine — as long as there's no chasing! But what's the point of running, if you aren't running after or away from someone? Just running is not a game, that's exercise — something only fat or unattractive children do.
Right now, other schools have done away with tag, in favor of nonphysical alternatives like staring. They think this reduces squabbles. They're wrong. Kids need to hurt each other — it prepares them for marriage.
The truth is, none of the kids disliked tag — it was their wussy parents. Probably because back when they were kids, they were busy sucking on their inhalers. For that they should probably be killed. Or at least be forced to spend some time with me, in my activity pit, playing my favorite game, Oil the Unicorn.
And that's my gut feeling.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Sundays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.