So, my contact at the salon where I get my eyelashes tinted tells me that the new film version of G.I. Joe will no longer involve U.S. Special Forces, but be Brussels-based with an International co-ed force. It’s like a Benetton ad, with camouflage Capri pants.
Hasbro and Paramount execs are changing it because they think it's too tough to sell a film about the U.S. military when the world is mad at us over Iraq.
Meaning, they're cowardly ass-hats.
• Don't be a hero: Watch Greg's Greg-alogue
So Hollywood is shy about making a film favorable to the U.S. military? This is an industry that drops a Vietnam epic every time it sneezes. Meaning: Hollywood will only make movies about the military if the military loses.
From “The Bourne Ultimatum” to “Shooter,” Hollywood wants our heroes to be battle-tough American soldiers. But they want that expertise focused against the government that trained them, not the enemy!
Hollywood capitalizes on the military's amazing supply of heroism, but it's too cowardly to attach moral value to it. That saves embarrassment in David Geffen's hot tub.
As for G.I. Joe being in Brussels: Why not simply give him a blue hat, call him a peacekeeper and let him pimp 12-year-old refugees for drugs? Wait, that's my hobby.
Best of all: G.I. Joe's enemy is Scottish, not radical Islam. Who knew America's worst enemy wears a kilt? That should make for easier frisking at airport security.
But why stop there? Lets make G.I. Joe an unarmed vegan played by Leo DiCaprio! He could lead a band of trans-gendered teens against evil polluters who want to turn dolphins into luxury bathrobes for Wall Street fat cats. Then Hasbro can create a new doll and when you pull his string, he'll say, "I'm sorry I'm an American. Please hug me."
And that's my gut feeling.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 9-10PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.