While I was laying in my rotating bed — or more specifically, a Lazy Susan covered in baby oil — I found this study reporting that folks in their 80s and 90s are having sex as often as young people do.
According University of Chicago researchers, 73 percent of people aged 57 to 64 reported having sex at least once in the past year, usually with someone who also has removable teeth and a Clapper.
Everywhere, this is "good news." Not here.
• Video: It's not a study. It's Greg's Greg-alogue!
To me, there is nothing more repulsive than old people having sex. I would rather read a pamphlet about feline AIDS than hear about two shriveled lumps of protoplasm pressing their gooey parts against each other, in the ever dwindling hope that they might actually feel something other than the snap of a hip breaking.
But, it's simply not about age. I don't want to hear about people having sex in general. Talking about sex is like talking about food: It's pointless until you're actually doing it, preferably with chocolate sauce and capers.
Personally, I think the pursuit of sex is overrated and not having sex is one of the things I look forward to when I'm old. I don't need the stress of having to remain clean, wipe thoroughly or even brush my teeth, in an effort to look desirable. I just want to lie in my own crusty filth, eating rancid egg sandwiches, until some unfortunate paramedic has to blow down my door to find my bloated and pasty corpse wedged between the nightstand and mattress stained with Bengay and Robitussin DM.
And if that's a not sexy image, then sir, I don't know what is.
And that's my gut feeling.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 9-10PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.