Have you talked to a baby lately? I mean, really had a heart to heart?

I have and boy, are they stupid.

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My friend just had one and I came to visit. I tried to make conversation, but it just gurgled. If children really are our future, then our future is going to be retarded and smelly.

But if you want to make babies even dumber, try making them smart. According to new research, for every hour a baby watches educational videos, they know fewer words than other children whose parents simply drink all day. This learning crap is making babies dumber than a box of pampers.

Parents should understand that over millions of years, humans have done fine without videos, indoor plumbing and some bastard named Barney. That's right. I said indoor plumbing — it's evil.

But back to babies. I've read cases where orphaned children have been raised by wolves and they turned out fine — look at Dakota Fanning.

But this is all about competition among parents who want to raise "the super-child" so they can brag about it over their chi tea. But when that same kid uses his brain to build a dungeon and crossing guards start to go missing, these same parents will blame the system, instead of themselves.

Also, dumb kids aren't so bad. They're less annoying than smart kids and cuter than labradoodles.

Let's stop introducing competitive learning to brats when they can barely keep down breast milk. Otherwise, we'll end up with a nation of Katie Courics and Ben Afflecks — lumps of protoplasm who think they can think.

I myself have a six year old and I've yet to teach him a single word of the English language. Granted, he is a helper monkey and I stole him from a carnival, but I defy you to show me anything that looks half as adorable in a tiny suit.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld