Soon General David Petraeus will present a report on the troop surge in Iraq, and — holy crap — it might be positive.

This is good news right? I mean, if the war is going well, that's great. On top of that, consumer confidence is the highest it's been since before 9/11. And, I've lost five pounds. That's right, five pounds — and that's just in my armpits.

So these are good — maybe even great times. But how come some people aren't happy? They aren't because they are the left, whose happiness needs bad news.

These creeps not-so-secretly want us to lose, because that makes them appear right. So when there's good news for our country, it's bad news for them. They aren't happy because The New York Times says so. And, after all, who better to set the tone than a newspaper whose circulation is dropping like a cartoon safe?

• Whose side are you on? Watch Greg's Greg-alogue and decide!

I call these people "patriotic terrorists" — folks who say they love the country, even though they root against it. For them to win an election, America has to crumble. You've got to wonder about a group of people whose greatest ally is in a Pakistani cave eating camel fat and playing "army" with his Jihad-Joes.

History will judge us not on how badly we felt during the war, but how well the war fared. If we win it, that's good and that's all that matters — even if it doesn't to the professors who write the history.

So when there's good news, look around. The people scowling are your enemies. Tell them to get over it. Then stab them with a plastic fork.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld