Experts call Loony Lohan's latest antics "a cry for help." But whenever I hear that phrase, I want to cry for help. Because, really, the phrase is an attempt to erase personal responsibility and it's insulting to people who really are crying for help.

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What is a real cry for help?

It would involve the use of flares or smoke signals, hopefully seen from a great distance.

It might be sending a message in a bottle — a message that says "help me."

People in my basement often cry for help. It's why I duct tape mattresses to the walls — I'm just thinking of the neighbors.

Morse code — on occasion — is a cry for help, but I just use it to make crank calls.

When you put only one song on your iPod and that song is Rick Astley's "Cry for Help," that's a cry for help.

In Spanish, "ayúdeme," is a cry for help. It means, "help me!"

That flailing around that people seem to do before drowning? A cry for help.

Banging coming from the inside of my car trunk is a cry for help. But it's pointless, at that stage.

Turning blue, pointing at your throat while turning blue, doing a pantomime to indicate you need the Heimlich maneuver because there's a hot dog lodged in your throat, while turning blue — you guessed it, a cry for help.

A little kitten in a well, meowing — that's definitely a cry for help. And for me, lunch.

You see, there are many real cries for help. Lindsay's antics don't qualify.

To stop destructive people, punish them. Teach them how to really cry for help. My basement is available.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld