Abs Are Pointless

So there's new research that says muscular men have more sex than men with less muscles.

Apparently, muscles are like tail feathers in male peacocks: They get chicks.

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This makes sense — except for abdominal muscles. I hate people with abs and you should too. I once had abs, so I know. Abs are pointless. Those who have abs only have them to let you know that they have them. It's like a Porsche made of flesh — except, unlike the car, abs don't take you anywhere.

Men who obsess over abs offer nothing to society. I see them in the park and on the beach... always touching their stomachs, as if to remind themselves of their only gift. Worse, they must show them off.

Company picnic? Off comes the shirt.

Bowling night? Why not?

Dad's funeral? He would have wanted it that way.

Men with abs aren't really men, but mice.

Did Churchill have abs? Reagan? What about Jack Nicholson? No, no and God no.

Fact is, abs are symbolic of what I call "reverse achievement." The more there is of it, the less you've done with your life.

Abs are no longer a mark of fitness — instead they're an "ass badge." If you're bearing abs, you're an ass. And while a woman finds your abs initially hot, soon she'll wonder if you care more about them than her. You do.

And yes, I am fat. That's what happens when you sit around all day and make fun of fit people.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com