Give Torture a Chance

The Brits say they have all the key terror suspects in custody — which is great. But, if you want to catch the masterminds behind these and other terror attempts, what do you do now? My suggestion rhymes with "torture."

Because it is "torture."

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I know — torture's wrong because it's hurtful. But that's the point. Torture is supposed to scare the bejesus out of you, even if you have no bejesus in you. My guess is, it can also scare the "behamad" out of you too.

To paraphrase John Lennon: Let's give torture a chance.

But let's define it first. Torture is evil — which is why it works on evil people. It's a universal language, like a hug... a really painful one that squeezes the poop out of you!

And remember, one man's torture can be another man's delight. You might think the conditions at Gitmo are torture. Not me.

Being alone for 23 hours a day, with only one hour of sunlight, is heaven to me. I enjoy talking to myself.

Interrogation and sleep deprivation? That's not torture. That was my childhood.

Cavity searches? Bring it on. I'll take what I can get.

Do you want to know what real torture is? No more "Gilmore Girls"; anyone showing me pictures of their cats; watching a bartender make a mojito while you're waiting to order a drink. Mojitos suck. They're just booze mixed with hedge clippings. Who wants to drink hedge clippings?

Not me. And not you either.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com