Like did you watch Paris on Larry King last night? It was like totally amazing… I mean Paris was like so smart and intelligent sounding and she’s like one of the strongest people I have ever seen interviewed… And Larry King was so sweet – he was like her Grandpa or something. I watched it again on the web today.
This is my imaginary teenage girl response to what undoubtedly the worst interview I have ever seen – all 60 minutes of it. Grandpa’s first question was: why are you doing this interview?
And Paris’ answer was actually handled well – she told him that it was out of respect for him and actually called him an “icon.”
But the real answer was: I’m coming on your show, Larry, because it’s well known that this is the only safe place to come with guarantees that there won’t be any tough questions that I could screw up and if I act like I have become a mature, intelligent and spiritual woman deserving of great respect, then I know I can get it here.
Grandpa did actually sling one tough one – he asked her what her favorite Bible passage was… for which a long and uncomfortable pause revealed her apparent lack of reading comprehension. Here’s an idea – how about Genesis 1? You know, go with the easy way out – give him page one, first sentence. But sadly, nothing came.
And here’s some news that shocked me: Grandpa asked her if she’s ever done any kind of drugs. She said no and added that she doesn’t drink much either. Which made me feel really gullible for believing all those thousands of stories about her wild lifestyle?!
Paris revealed during the riveting interview that she suffers greatly from claustrophobia and that’s why jail was so tough on her. But in fairness to her, I imagine going from an LA Mansion to a tiny jail cell must be a tremendously difficult experience – all three weeks of it.
Grandpa hit the important stuff too. What did you wear? What did you eat? (“mystery meat”) What changed her life while she was in jail?
Oops – scratch that last one. Grandpa didn’t ask that one – she just offered that she’s a different person and he accepted it on face value.
The only thing Grandpa really did was zap the wind out of my favorite new sport of Heiress Watching and I’m not happy about that…
But Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are still at large and as far as I know not currently trying to raise money for “girls in jail, breast cancer and multiple sclerosis," as Paris said last night.
So there’s hope yet that this entertaining genre isn’t dead yet… Please stay away from them, Grandpa.
I can be reached for questions, comments or invitations to appear on Larry King at Griffsnotes@foxnews.com.