The two big issues for both parties: immigration and terror. Here's how one issue might solve the other.
Those behind terror are reproducing like crazy. They pump out killers like they're Doritos. Meanwhile, Westerners wear condoms. As the enemy grows, we shrink. Numbers dictate success.
However, we have a secret weapon: Mexicans.
They're hard workers and very Catholic — which means they reproduce and are good neighbors. They also love Chevys and think Morrissey is Elvis.
Mexicans are the Eisenhower Generation.
We've got two kinds of people making more people: One fosters fanatics who want to blow up our towers. The other wants to build them. I know who I'm with: Mexicans. They may be one hope against an enemy encouraging our own extinction.
Mexicans are the Mace against madmen, because they multiply. As we embrace cats over kids, Mexicans might prevent us from becoming Europe — a declining continent flooded by people who hate them. Mexican families love this country. I don't like Mexico — I get diarrhea — but I love Mexicans.
I welcome you with open arms and legs.
You've got to give them credit: Mexicans risk their lives to get here and they're grateful to be here.
So embrace the new front on the War on Terror, he may be your waiter. And he may be five foot two, but he's tough.
And if you really want to strike a blow against Al Qaeda: Tip him 25 percent.
And that's my gut feeling.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 9-10PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.