Now that we know Britney Spears can't stay married, can't follow through on her so-called career "comeback," can't keep friends, can't stay in rehab, can't sing and can't keep a manager, we can't wait to find out if the former pop goddess can write.

I think I already know the answer to that question.

In case you haven't heard, Star magazine reported that Spears will pen a tell-all autobiography in which she will reveal how her mother, her father, her ex-boyfriend and her ex-husband are all responsible for her train wreck of a life.

Typical of the rich and famous these days, don't you think? It's always somebody else's fault.

According to sources who know of the book's intended contents, the fat-again, skinny-again, wigged-again, bald-again star will call mom Lynne a stage mom from hell and blame ultra-talented and low-key star Justin Timberlake for her self-esteem issues.

Timberlake, who wisely has been close-lipped about Britney (and when he did speak, he actually voiced support), is a grounded young star who employs the right agents, the right managers and most importantly, in Ken Sunshine, the right public relations handler.

Instead of blaming Timberlake, Spears would be better served by taking a page out of his book on the road to straightening herself out.

If only dad Jamie were more like Alec Baldwin in that regard. Yes, that's a joke, but since I'm on the subject, I'm happy to hear the embattled star "couldn't care less" if he ever acts again.

It would be nice to see a celebrity actually do as he says, but then again, he did say he'd leave the country for good if George W. Bush were elected to a second term in office. Perhaps if he'd left, he might not be in the predicament he's in now.

Baldwin must have come from the same Hollywood school Paris Hilton studied in, when she wore a "Vote or Die" T-shirt in an MTV get-out-the-vote campaign but never bothered to register to vote.

That's just more typical Hollywood "do as I say and not as I do" nonsense.

Hey Alec, the grass isn't that much greener on this side of the fence, either. You'll still be subjected to "parental alienation" as a private citizen as much as you are as a celebrity. At least with acting you get the chance to be someone else for a few hours a take.

But back to Britney.

She's going to need one hell of an editor and/or ghostwriter. Perhaps Nan Talese, the publisher of James Frey's fabricated autobiography "A Million Little Pieces," can help her craft a story worth reading, because there's really not much about Spears' life worth more than a $4.95 cover story in Allure or Vanity Fair.

If legendary CBS News producer Susan Zirinsky, the executive producer of Britney's short-lived reality show "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic," couldn't sustain a full season of train-wreck video, I doubt there's enough talent in the literary community to make Britney's book cover an anticipated seven-figure advance.

And that's another Grrr in and of itself. Perhaps if whichever publishing company takes on this project makes those advance checks out to Sean Preston and Jayden, the whole thing might be a little bit easier to digest.

Then again, Britney, give me a call if you're looking for a co-author who will keep you in check, and who won't just let you write off your responsibilities on someone else.

I'd be more than happy to sell out for that cause.

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