The GRRR! Guide to Spring Break

Spring break is among us, and that means Girls Gone Wild will be out in full force.

Now, I have nothing against Joe Francis and his staff of intrepid producers and camera operators who do such a good job capturing the young women of American universities making out with one another, flashing their breasts for the cameras and chugging beer out of funnels.

All of this is a healthy form of expression — and for Francis and crew, capitalism at its finest, right?

I mean, why not?

After all, former "Friends" Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston will engage in a lesbian kiss on Tuesday night's season finale of "Dirt."

MTV has long been a proponent of girl-on-girl action, as witnessed at the MTV Video Music Awards when Madonna passed the tongue — er, the torch — to the new pop sensation, Britney Spears.

And we all know how well that turned out for Spears.

Tara Conner passed her Miss USA crown to Miss Tennessee last Friday, and we're sure to see a lot more of the embattled beauty pageant queen following her stint in rehab after she was caught drinking underage, using drugs and reportedly making out in public.

Photos of disgraced Miss Nevada Katie Rees simulating oral sex hit the Internet last year. And sexy pics of "American Idol" wannabe Antonella Barba made her even more famous than she would have been otherwise, considering her lack of singing talent.

If you ask me, however, I'd much rather see Barba warbling through a British Invasion-themed week than Sanjaya, but that's just me.

But what does that have to do with spring break?

Well, there are far too many young adults taking part in this tradition to think that we're talking about a few bad apples among the co-ed set.

The problem with girls going wild is that they are too young to be unchaperoned amid so much partying. It's akin to the 13-year-old girl getting a tattoo on her tummy, not realizing that she'll be pregnant one day, only to see that cute little flower turn into Audrey II from "Little Shop of Horrors."

These youngsters eventually will grow up into responsible adults, and they will regret something they did in their past.

Is spring break all harmless fun? Some participants say people like me ought to lighten up. But who will be to blame if God forbid some little girl I love is the victim of a date rape or becomes another Natalee Holloway?

Who will she blame if her life is forever changed by an event that she wishes never happened, but can't turn the clock back on?

Who will you blame if your daughter becomes another spring break tragedy?

As parents, we all want our kids to think we're hip and cool. We all want our kids to have fun with their friends. We all want our kids to have opportunities that we didn't have.

That's why I'll tell my daughter that I didn't have the opportunity to spend spring break at an internship in the office with dad, and she should be thrilled at all the real-life work experience she's getting ... or something like that.

We can't always protect our kids from themselves, but we can sure try.

The GRRR! Guide to the Movies

Went to see "Reign Over Me" over the weekend, and I would not be surprised if Adam Sandler finds himself with a best actor nomination for his portrayal of a 9/11 widower who lost his wife and three daughters in one of the planes that hit the World Trade Center.

But that's not the Grrr! Indeed, I liked the movie a lot and Sandler was really that good in it.

No, the Grrr! is to the lady munching her popcorn incessantly a few rows ahead of me. Now, my disdain for popcorn chompers at the movies has been well documented in this space and in my Grrr! Book , but what made this lady so much more Grrr'ing than the usual Oblivion was the fact that she wore several charm bracelets on her popcorn-eating arm.

Every time she reached into the popcorn bucket, and then up to her mouth, and then down to flick the salt and grease from her fingers, we were all treated to a jingle that is usually reserved for Christmas carols.

Please, people, think about where you are going and the people around you once in a while.

That goes for the perfume baronesses who clog your nostrils with White Diamonds in elevators, the Drakkar Noir and Axe Body Spray princes who think the ladies can't resist their sensuous odor and the iTunes singers who belt out raps without realizing how loudly they're singing.


Parking Ticket Czar

So I watched the local traffic enforcement officer writing a ticket on an SUV the other day, and as if getting a parking ticket isn't Grrr'ing enough, I watched the guy, at great effort, place the ticket on the passenger side windshield wiper, just to the passenger side of the center of the glass.

Why do you think he did this?

I asked him, and without any hint of shame, he said he likes to make people have to work to get the ticket off the windshield.

Your tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen. GRRR!

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