I've come to the conclusion that all of my Grrrs would be better served if said in a British accent, á la the acerbic but brutally honest Simon Cowell.

Imagine if Simon were commenting on the practice of college basketball fans storming the court after even a routine victory, which is something that dominates sports broadcasts in the month of March Madness.

I think he'd say something like, "It's all a bit cliche, isn't it? I mean, if I'm being honest, I think it's a bit overdone and done for the sole purpose of getting one's school on espen or E-S-P or whatever it's called here in the States."

To which Ryan will come to the stage exclaiming "espen?"

Or how about Cowell being Grrr'd over Ann Coulter's most recent joke in which she said she "was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot.'"

Perhaps he'd quip, "Honestly Ann, it's about time you cut out the shtick and grew up. If I'm being honest with you -- it's all a bit old and uninspiring," and then he'd raise his shoulders in an "I don't know" gesture.

On Hollywood's green-ness he'd say: "the whole Prius thing is utterly ridiculous, considering the majority of you use private jets and live in mansions."

At the supermarket, good old Simon might wonder aloud about the people who walk throughout their entire grocery shopping jaunt but who won't walk the extra 50 feet to return their shopping cart.

"Didn't you just walk a mile in the store? What's another few feet?" he'd ask.

Doesn't it just read better if one imagines Simon's voice doing the Grrr'ing?

On the most recent Michael Jackson news, in which Japanese fans paid a reported $3,400 each to see him perform at a private party:

"Honestly, you're a great singer, Michael, but the clothes, the nose, the hair, the white skin, it's all a bit too much, don't you think? If I'm being honest with you, I liked the 1986 version of you way better than what you've become today, to say nothing about the sharing your bed with kids bit."

Of course, Paula would be rolling her eyes unless Simon preempted his remarks with "I have to agree with Randy and Paula on this one," where she looks entirely pleased with herself, but Paula has taken enough heat from the media, so I'll refrain.

I will however, go off on one of their more promising contestants who did not make the top 12, Nick Pedro.

If Simon were more like your humble Grrr! guy, he would have said something like this to former Idol hopeful:

"Nick, you're an excellent singer, but until you stop waxing your eyebrows so that you look like one of the Gotti boys from that God-awful show "Growing Up Gotti" or Bette Davis even, you'll never get through to the top 12."

Sorry, Nick. As Eric Clapton once sang, "Let it grow, let it grow."

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