Before we talk about the insanity of this week's outcome, can we please analyze the lack of juiciness of the contestants' secrets?
They ranged from the blah ("I like football") to the predictable ("I wanted to be the next Katie Couric") to the creepy ("I know how to hula").
There also seemed to be quite a few about hair, but mostly they read like a list of accomplishments that made it impossible not to envision the endless array of talent shows all their parents must have endured (Watch me flip! Play piano! Hula! Prepare to be the next "American Idol"!)
Of course, there was Melinda's confession about her OCD, which actually seemed a bit deep for the occasion, but my favorite came from Sundance, who claimed that he was actually skinny and just wearing a fat suit for the show.
Self-effacement as humor = points in my book, no matter how bizarre his eyeliner seemed all week.
Speaking of Sundance, I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that he and Sabrina were sent packing.
Sabrina outshone Haley by a mile, and Gina by a good half-mile. And as for Sanjaya versus Sundance — well, the best thing I can say about Sanjaya's performance this week is that he left the hat at home, while Sundance continued to be the most improved player.
I understand that the time had come for both Jared and Antonella, and was only surprised by how shocked they both seemed by the news.
While Jared was less creepy this week than when he dedicated "Let's Get It On" to his dad, the guy seemed a little more focused on wowing the ladies with his "face masks" and come-hither eyes than with actually being a good singer.
And Antonella, media magnet that she was, seemed to be on a downward trajectory that hadn't started out all that high.
None of the judges complained when Antonella, the focus of recent attention over some racy Internet photos, was shown the door. Each week, Simon could be counted on to tell the 20-year-old Jersey girl that she wasn't good enough to be on the show.
As for the current male contenders, Blake, Chris Sligh (seemingly back to his wry self) and Brandon remain my favorite boys, although Chris Richardson worked his way into my heart this week by abandoning his bee-boppy dancing.
Still, is it just me or is that boy working that "most adorable grandson of the year" shtick a little much? I swear I've heard almost as much about his grandmother this season as I have about Ryan's (lack of) height and Paula's (lack of) coherence.
And what's there to say about LaKisha and Melinda, aside from the fact that one of them will probably win? Melinda is so simultaneously bizarre and talented that I'm actually now fine with Simon's oddly flirtatious-sounding, "You little tiger" comment that made me squirm when I first heard it.
I definitely see Jordin and Stephanie beating out Gina and Haley, but then again, what do I know? I'm still trying to understand Haley taking Sabrina's place.
If someone could explain that one — well, that would be a juicy secret, indeed.
"American Idol" airs on FOX, which is owned by the parent company of FOXNews.com.