MIAMI – Lisa Nowak may have started a trend. Imagine how productive we could all be if we just cut out bathroom breaks.
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Who knew that one could cut out several hours of drive time by wearing an adult diaper to make up for time usually spent hunting down a clean bathroom while on the road?
In fact, a box of Depend diapers and some Cottonelle wipes might be just what the doctor ordered for truck drivers, highway patrol officers and pizza deliverymen everywhere.
I mean, seriously, think about how many more phone calls telemarketers could make. Ditto the UPS man. He could increase his deliveries by at least 15 percent.
Even "American Idol" wannabes who line up four days before Simon, Randy and Paula arrive could use the diapers so they won't lose their spot on the line.
Surely Cowell would have sympathy for anyone who sat for days in his own urine for a shot at overnight stardom, no?
I wonder how many columns I could bang out if I just wore a my own personal Huggie?
On the other hand, some of my best column inspiration comes while I'm in the john, so that might work against me.
Just think about how many "urinating in public" summonses could be avoided. Those heavy drinkers who go behind Dumpsters on a nightly basis . . . They're home free!
I thought an astronaut accused of plotting to kidnap and murder a rival lover was bizarre enough, but throw in the diaper angle and I don't know what to make of it all.
And forget the crime of passion defense.
"Your honor," the prosecutor will say. "Clearly this was a premeditated crime. The defendant put on a Depend diaper to get to her victim faster!"
Imagine what must be going on in the boardroom of Kimberly-Clark, the manufacturers of Depend? I bet they never in a million years thought they'd ever have to respond to something like this.
And what about those astronauts? Who knew it would take a rocket scientist to figure out a way to relieve oneself in space with a pair of adult diapers?
Weird, to say the least.
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