Wow… I go away for a couple of days to escape the arctic freeze in the Northeast and a love-struck homicidal maniac Astronaut Lisa Nowak goes on the lam in a bizarre love triangle. Houston, we have a problem!

NASA hasn’t seen anything this steamy since Larry Hagman, aka Major Nelson, found Barbara Eden in a bottle – and he had to fend off repeated overtures from Jeanie’s evil sister.

Apparently the accomplished Space Woman Nowak wasn’t content in just “dreaming” of her Space Man – fellow Astronaut William Oefelein. No, she was willing to wear space diapers for 900 miles from Houston to Orlando to fight for the affection of another man (not that of her husband).

Nowak was arrested and released on bail in Florida for having hunted down 30 year-old Colleen Shipman who was not an actual Astronaut, but is an engineer assigned to the 45th Launch Squadron near Kennedy Space Center. After disguising herself with a wig and trench coat, Nowak pursued Shipman in an airport parking lot late at night, spraying pepper spray into Shipman’s car window. Other weapons found in Nowak’s possession were: a BB-Gun, a steel mallet, a sharp knife and rubber hosing. It’s not exactly clear what the relationship between Oefelein and Shipman was, but Nowak described her relationship as “more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship.” Other than receiving burns and temporary discomfort, Shipman survived the attempted murder mission.

Nowak and Oefelein have trained together in the past but never gone into space together – at least not in the traditional sense. And NASA officials say that Nowak is now back in Houston with her family on 30-day leave and relieved of her space mission duties. She will receive psychological evaluation and has been ordered to stay more 500 feet away from Shipman. It’s worth noting too that Oefelein has two kids but is not married. Nowak recently separated from her husband of 19 years and has 5 year-old twin daughters and a teenage son.

Tabloid quality behavior from exceptionally intelligent people… Where’s Carl Sagan when we need him to explain it all?

This story is weirder than a bunch of UFOs abducting Rosie O’Donnell for extra-terrestrial sex research.

Scotty, please beam me back on my surfboard to Costa Rica!

I can be reached for questions or comments at Griffnotes@foxnews.com.