Reality Check: Weighty Issues

You know you’ve lived in L.A. too long when you spend the majority of the “Survivor” finale and reunion thinking about how much better all the contestants looked when they were starving half to death — not to mention tan.

I know that’s not the point. And I also get that being surrounded by size 0s for so many years has permanently screwed up my weight-judging abilities.

Still, did Ozzy — not to mention Becky, Adam and, essentially, everyone but Jonathan — need to go and park themselves next to their refrigerators as soon as the show ended?

And while I was happy that the almost unbelievably likable Yul got the tribe vote, and Ozzy the car, I feel like I could have told you that’s what would happen a few weeks ago.

Actually, I thought Yul was going to get the million bucks and the car, and I secretly think that somehow Jeff’s adoration for Ozzy played a part in the guy getting to drive off into the sunset.

Think about it. The car was supposed to go to the person viewers felt was the most “strategic” player, and although Ozzy could swim like your average dolphin and climb trees as well as any monkey, a strategist he was not. Or maybe seeing him on the sound stage with his cheeks ballooned out just made me forget all those brilliant ploys of his.

Size also plays a significant role on “Identity,” the hybrid reality-game show airing every night this week.

Hosted by the undeniably large Penn Gillette, the show gives contestants a chance to make outrageous sums of money by guessing the occupations of people and, in “Deal or No Deal” fashion, double or nothing their bets.

And it’s amazing, not only because it allows the players to rely on a panel of experts that includes a “body language expert” — who clearly need something to do besides talk to Us Weekly about how in love or not in love celebrity couples are based on how they’re photographed together — but also because the nearly Amazonian Gillette has a sort of half-serious, half-embarrassed tone that’s perfect for a spectacle as dramatic and cheesy as this.

The only extra weight on the new MTV show “Twentyfourseven” — which follows seven guys trying to “make it” in Hollywood — is, um, the seven guys.

You know we’re talking about a tenuous connection to Hollywood when the group’s biggest claim to fame is that one of them is dating Hilary Duff’s sister — a girl who’s “known” solely for being Hilary Duff’s sister.

Watching them harass co-eds into coming to a party, convince a nightclub investor to let them have an open bar by plying him with women and wine and essentially give the entire world an even worse impression of people in Hollywood than it already has is painful, indeed.

What these guys are doing on television is anyone’s guess, but if they represent the people “making it” in my hometown — well, I’d rather be stranded on Exile Island.

Bring on the starvation.

Anna David has written for The L.A. Times, Vanity Fair, Premiere, Parenting, Cosmo, People, Us Weekly, Redbook, Self, Details, Stuff, TV Guide, Women’s Health, Ocean Drive, Teen Vogue, Variety, The New York Post, LA Confidential and Maxim, among others. She answers sex and relationship questions on G4's Attack of the Show and speaks about pop culture on FOX, CNN, NBC, MTV, VH1 and E! Her first novel, "Party Girl," is coming out in June 2007 from Regan Books/HarperCollins.