Lots of news from Washington today – particularly Defense Secretary nominee Robert Gates declaring that “we are not winning” in Iraq… but more on that tomorrow after the ISG releases its highly anticipated report. We’ve got problems here at home with the dinner plate!

What the heck is going on with our food in America?

I wake up today to learn that Taco Bell is now officially earned its nickname “Taco Hell” with massive outbreaks of e coli cases in the northeast. Yuck! Last month it was Popeye’s Revenge because spinach was no longer safe. Before that, it was the strawberries that were tainted.

And then the Atomic Food Bomb fell. Consumer Reports says that 83% of our chicken is contaminated with bacteria – salmonella and campylobacter in most cases.

I have no idea what campylobacter is but I can rest assure you that I do not want it – although it would appear it is inevitable that I will get a healthy dose of it in the near future. I can’t stop eating chicken. That’s like giving up wearing shoes!

(And for the record, CR also reports that paying $5 more for that air-chilled or organic chicken only makes matters worse according to their study!)

Now I suppose there will be a few red-blooded Americans who might take a noble vow to a strict diet of burgers, steaks, and meatballs… but who can forget Mad Cow disease. Are we sure the cows are feeling okay these days?

You’ll be pleased to know that there is some good news – NYC became the first city in the country today to ban the artery-clogging trans fats at restaurants. So scratch pizza, cookies and french fries off your list.

Of course, everyone knows fish is good for you, right? Not so fast. Pregnant women and children can’t overdose on mercury-filled fin bombs because of the neurological risks. And any good tree-hugging environmentalist can tell you that we are over fishing our oceans thus upsetting the balance of the planet’s food chain. Want proof? Go see the movie Happy Feet as I did with my 5 year old daughter this past weekend and you’ll never order the Tuna again without a nice side dish of guilt.

So let’s analyze this for a moment – with beef, fish, poultry, produce, restaurants and Twinkies gone for good… what do we have left?

Beer and Tofu. It’s what’s for dinner!

Bon Apetit, America!

I can be reached for questions or comments at griffsnotes@foxnews.com.