You and your boyfriend have just found out that you’ve been selected to be on “The Amazing Race.” How terribly exciting!
Sadly, you’re “geographically challenged” (your own words). Rather than considering the fact that another reality show that doesn’t emphasize this fact — “Fear Factor,” perhaps? — might make a better forum to introduce the two of you to the world, or sticking your face in an atlas in an effort to un-challenge yourself, you simply announce this defect (which is roughly the equivalent of explaining that you have two left feet in the midst of a “Dancing with the Stars” number) while you’re racing from Chernobyl to Kiev.
To which I simply ask: Kimberly, why?
Another scenario: you’re terribly frightened of heights. Do you stay away from tall buildings, drive instead of fly and always make sure you live on the ground floor? No, you go on “The Amazing Race,” where you’ll be asked to, say, rappel down a 232-foot stadium headfirst.
Erwin Cho and model/addict James, I’m talking to you! Why must all fears — especially fears that seem well worth having, as opposed to, say, alliumphobia (the fear of garlic) — be conquered on national television?
Now let’s move onto the biggest “why” on this week’s penultimate “Bachelor” episode, “The Girls Tell All.”
Sure, Lisa was annoying as all hell, but why were the rest of the girls endlessly castigating her for busting out a wedding dress when Lorenzo went to visit her for their hometown date?
Look, we all know that pulling that move in the real world on a third date would be a romance-killer along the lines of announcing that you just got your tenth cat. But on a show where the entire premise is that a “prince” will be picking his “princess” after a few televised dates, beating the girl up for donning the white dress seems about as unfair as reprimanding a “Biggest Loser” contestant for salivating over chocolate cake.
And the why questions on “Breaking Bonaduce” pile up faster than one of Danny’s ashtrays fills with butts.
In this week’s episode, Dr. Gary continued to give shrinks everywhere a bad name, while Gretchen talked about how great things were with Danny, despite all evidence to the contrary, not to mention the fact that he’s been dispatched to the guest room.
Danny got in touch with God (the episode started with him smoking and reading the Bible), but also found the time to Xerox his nether regions in front of his 4-year-old son.
To which I say: why do I feel like little Dante Bonaduce will end up on a couch much like the one Dr. Gary provides in a few decades?
Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting magazines and wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor. She’s done celebrity cover stories, first-person essays and reported pieces for The L.A. Times, Vanity Fair, Cosmo, People, Us Weekly, Redbook, Self, Details, Stuff, TV Guide, Women’s Health, Ocean Drive, Vegas, The Saturday Telegraph, Esquire UK, Teen Vogue, Variety, The New York Post, LA Confidential, Distinction, Calabasas, Tatler (Hong Kong), King, Fade In, Emmy and Maxim, among others.