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The Long Goodbye

Well, the Joey Lawrence chapter in my life was all too ephemeral — just as I was coming to appreciate him in all his post-"Blossom"-ness, the judges and you, the public, opted to let him loose from "Dancing with the Stars."

I get that him conquering the man they call Magnificent Mario and one of the world's most popular football players was a major long shot but then again, I've always liked gunning for the underdog — particularly if he's cute.

Which brings me to: I can't help but wonder if Joey's wife, Chandie, is secretly happy the whole thing's over (at least until that "Dancing with the Stars" tour). I know he always talks about how great she is and how he's doing this all for her, but relationships are tough enough when the husband isn't going off to sweat all day with a perfectly-bodied other woman. Sure, Chandie can comfort herself with the notion that Edita is just a friend of theirs who comes over and watches them cuddle with their baby, but does that make up for having to watch him gyrate against her and constantly declare to millions of people what an amazing person she is? Call me cynical if you want, but you might want to consult Lloyd Eisler's ex-wife, who watched her husband skate off with Kristy Swanson on "Skating with Celebrities," first.

And while we're on the subject of my jaded personality, can I just add that I bet Anchal was happy to be put out of her misery and finally evicted from "Top Model"-dom? She gave the requisite teary post-elimination interview, of course, but I'll bet that had more to do with the fact that crying seems to be her raison d'etre than with any actual regret that she won't be forced into bikinis and told to "dance aggressively" in front of a roomful of critical eyes. (I'd challenge Tyra to dance aggressively and not feel absolutely ridiculous, except for the fact that I can basically picture her taking me up on it and the whole thing's just not a pretty sight.)

I mean, the torture Anchal was put through on a regular basis — being trash-talked by the annoyingly successful Melrose who this week managed to snake about $10,000 worth of clothes, despite the fact that she wasn't even the challenge winner — has got to make home look pretty good, no matter what she's got going on there.

Over on "Survivor," meanwhile, Brad took his inevitable elimination with the kind of bitchy prissiness he's been awfully good at projecting of late. Last week's declaration that his puzzle solving skills were so superior that he shouldn't be forced to swim despite the fact that his tribe desperately needed him to didn't exactly make him a team favorite. And this week's huffy little comment about how the game is "every man for himself" didn't do much to worm his way back into their good graces.

Plus, he was a sore loser, giving the passive aggressive "Goodbye people I counted as friends until five minutes ago" wave, followed by some none-too-subtle griping about his bittersweet eviction in the goodbye speech.

I think that if you can't say farewell like Joey — who, during his departure, gave us all the grinning, vein-popping, exuberant gestures and comments that he's been dishing out all the way through — you might as well give the camera a good old Anchal cry. This is reality TV, people! Over-the-top trumps passive-aggressive every time.

Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting magazines and wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor. She’s done celebrity cover stories, first-person essays and reported pieces for The L.A. Times, Vanity Fair, Cosmo, People, Us Weekly, Redbook, Self, Details, Stuff, TV Guide, Women’s Health, Ocean Drive, Vegas, The Saturday Telegraph, Esquire UK, Teen Vogue, Variety, The New York Post, LA Confidential, Distinction, Calabasas, Tatler (Hong Kong), King, Fade In, Emmy and Maxim, among others.