Ladies and gentleman, the feces have hit the fan in Malibu.
Health officials plan to use DNA testing to reveal the poopy perpetrators behind the sewage fouling Malibu's famously star-studded coastline, the Associated Press reports.
"This is going to get messy," predicts Mark Pestrella, the public works official assigned to the project.
There are an estimated 2,400 septic tanks in this city of mansions strung along 25 miles of coast — many of which are buried in the backyards of the estates of environmentally-minded celebs like Tom Hanks, Sting and Barbra Streisand — and authorities suspect these tanks are responsible for the rise in disease-causing bacteria levels in the ocean after heavy rains.
Malibu's famously wealthy residents are notoriously private and defend their right to use the septic tanks, and many deny their tanks are the source of the problem.
But the poopy patrol isn't buying it, and this time they are getting serious. They're going to use DNA testing and court warrants to hunt down the leaky septic tanks — starting with the most flush-happy of the bunch, like restaurants and Streisand's former abode — and identify offenders.
"It is a big deal that the county is now saying, 'We're willing to go on to properties to see what the source of fecal contamination is,'" says Mark Gold, executive director of the local environmental group Heal the Bay.
Still, leaders in the community think the health department is … well … full of it. They insist the contamination comes from a local wastewater plant, storm runoff and bird droppings.
"When the results of these tests come back, I'll bet that once again we'll find that it's people's meat addiction, not their septic tanks, is causing this pollution," Malibu actress/activist Pamela Anderson wrote in an email. "The best thing any of us can do to fight pollution is to adopt a vegetarian diet."
Hey Yogi — Lay Off the (Apple)Sauce!
Elementary school kids in Lyons, Colo., were in for a surprise Tuesday morning when they found a black bear wandering around near campus, cbs4denver.com reports.
But she wasn't your average bear — unless your average bear is drunk as a skunk.
Deputies called to the scene suspected the wobbly animal got tipsy eating rotten, fermented apples in preparation for hibernation.
Animal control officers eventually shot her with a tranquilizer dart and plan to release her in the mountains once she sleeps off her fruity bender.
Some Guys Just Can't Help but Win
BLAINE, Minn. (AP) — Vote for my opponent. Please.
Paul Herold entered the primary for a City Council seat in this Minneapolis-St. Paul suburb, but then he landed a new job that he says wouldn't leave him enough time to do a decent job for his constituents.
He missed the deadline for removing his name from the ballot, so he wrote a letter to a local paper pleading for nonsupport. He even offered to drive friends and neighbors to the polls to vote for anyone but him.
"I tried my best not to get any votes," he said.
It didn't work. He came in second in the three-way race, advancing to the November ballot against incumbent Katherine Kolb.
Now he's urging people to vote for Kolb.
"Here are the only ways I can get off the ballot: A. I'd have to die; B. I'd have to move out of the district," he said.
If he were to win, he could refuse to serve. But that would force a special election that would cost the city $30,000 or more, and Herold said he doesn't want to do that.
"Unfortunately, once he's on the ballot, there's nothing we can do," said City Clerk Jane Cross.
And Now This From the Jackpot of Matrimony Department:
ROCHESTER, N.Y. (AP) — One caterer calls it the most popular date in the world right now.
If you're planning to get married on July 7, 2007 — 07/07/07 — you'd better get the bookings now, because that's a popular date for newlyweds-to-be.
With July 7 falling on a Saturday, people in the wedding industry — from seamstresses to deejays to banquet hall owners — say they're seeing a flood of couples looking to hitched on that date.
One Rochester hotel has had its reception hall booked by a woman who isn't even engaged yet. But July 7 will be the anniversary of her first date with her boyfriend, who's home now after serving in Iraq and knows a site for a wedding reception has been chosen.
The Crescent Beach Hotel on Lake Ontario outside Rochester is nearly fully booked for 07/07/07. While many couples consider it a lucky date, banquet co-coordinator John Cole says it also makes it easier for grooms to remember their anniversaries.
Let's See ... About 3 Feet Tall ... Male ... With a Backpack ... OK, He'll Do
LONG BEACH, Calif. (AP) — A baby sitter bungled her first day on the job by picking up the wrong 5-year-old boy from his elementary school, police said.
Angel Guerrero was taken by mistake Monday when the woman arrived at the school and took him without knowing what the child she was to care for looked like, said Sgt. David Cannan.
The mix-up caused alarm when Angel's grandmother came to the school and was told someone had already picked him up. Police issued a missing child alert, and his name and picture were broadcast on several TV stations.
Meanwhile, the baby sitter had no idea she picked up the wrong child until her employers returned home.
"The baby sitter said 'This is your son,' and the parents said, 'No, this is not our son,'" Cannan said. When the parents saw Angel's picture on their TV screen, they immediately called police.
School officials didn't notice the mix-up, Cannan said, because Angel willingly left with the woman. Meanwhile, the boy she was supposed to pick up waited for several hours until school staff called an uncle to pick him up.
Nothing Says 'Someone Needs a New Hobby' Like '3.1415926535897932...'
TOKYO (AP) — A Japanese mental health counselor recited pi to 100,000 decimal places from memory on Wednesday, setting what he claims to be a new world record.
Akira Haraguchi, 60, needed more than 16 hours to recite the number to 100,000 decimal places, breaking his personal best of 83,431 digits set in 1995, his office said Wednesday. He made the attempt at a public hall in Kisarazu, just east of Tokyo.
Pi is a physical constant defined as the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.
It is usually written out to a maximum of three decimal places, as 3.141, in math textbooks. But the number, which has fascinated scientists for centuries, has no theoretical limit to the number of decimal places it can be written to. It is a constant that appears in the proofs of many equations defining the universe.
"What I am aiming at is not just memorizing figures, I am thrilled by seeking a story in pi," Haraguchi said.
The Guinness Book of Records currently lists Hiroyuki Goto, also from Japan, as the official record holder for reciting pi from memory. He recited the ratio out to 42,195 decimal places in 1995.
Guinness never entered Haraguchi's 1995 feat in its record book.
Kate White, a spokeswoman for the London-based Guinness World Records, said Haraguchi would have to make a record claim on their Web site and supply evidence, including video footage and witness statements to be included in the book.
"We would review if the evidence supports the claim. If he's done it to 100,000, he would be looking at the next world record," White said.
Haraguchi, a psychiatric counselor and business consultant in nearby Mobara city, took a break of about 5 minutes every one to two hours, going to the rest room and eating rice balls during the attempt, said Naoki Fujii, spokesman of Haraguchi's office.
Fujii said all of Haraguchi's activities during the attempt, including his bathroom breaks, were videotaped for evidence that will later be sent for verification by the Guinness Book of Records.
Compiled by FOXNews.com's Taylor Timmins.
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