Grrr! '25 Million Reasons to Be Alive'

Terrell Owens is dangerously close to becoming the Mike Tyson of the National Football League. Brilliant in the game, but self-destructive and a distraction to everybody around him.

What's next? Will Owens take a bite out of Eagles safety Brian Dawkins' ear when they meet on Oct. 8 (unlikely, now that he's recovering from pinky surgery)?

"He was trying to tackle me," he'd say in a press conference. Where Tyson said he did it for his kids, Owens could say he did it for the money:

"This is my career, I have money to make. He tackled me," he might say.

Following reports that Owens tried to commit suicide by taking too many painkillers Tuesday night, the athlete denied it Wednesday, doing a really fine tap dance at a press conference.

Owens chalked it all up to an allergic reaction, and deflected all blame to his publicist.

"Terrell was not coherent to speak. The reason I called 911 was that he was not in his responsive state," said Kim Eldredge, Owens' publicist.

She went on to say that "They take advantage of Terrell."

Who exactly is taking advantage of whom?

Oh, it's the elusive "They." I see.

She went on to say that "Terrell has 25 million reasons to be alive," referring to his overpriced, overpaid status with the NFL. Gee, thanks, Ms. Eldredge.

On, visitors are treated to the wide receiver's rap tune, titled "I'm Back."

Performed by Owens and written by Victor Stowes, it features some lyrical gems, such as:

When it comes to this game, I'm the best in the field...
Some said I was gonna sign, just a one year deal...
What I got? What I wanted, up-front ten mils,
Changed the rules of the game, now how do you feel?

This will probably be my best season by far,
No more get my Eagle on, Meet me at the Star."

Hey T.O., I hope the check cleared, because the best-year prediction doesn't seem to be happening for you.

But let's face it, we're talking about the game of football. While big money is at stake, what people like Owens and Ricky Williams don't get is that, however good they might be at the game, talent alone does not make a superstar.

And neither does one's salary.

Michael Jordan is a superstar. Tiger Woods is a superstar. Derek Jeter is a superstar. Maria Sharapova is a superstar. David Beckham is a superstar. Joe Montana is a superstar. Lynn Swann is a superstar.

What all of these people have in common, other than being great athletes, is class. Owens will never have class, because he's too busy being all about himself and all about money.

My Grrr! opinion? Terrell Owens did not try to kill himself Tuesday night. This is all much ado about nothing. It's time for T.O. to G.U.

Grow Up.

Weight-Watching Women and Abs-Obsessed Men

If you peruse the magazine stand, you'll find that American magazine consumers consume a heck of a lot more than simply print. We are fat. We eat a lot. We don't exercise enough. And we want great bodies with minimal effort.

How else can you explain these glossy headlines and blurbs:

Redbook: "How Stress Makes You Fat: 24 Slim Solutions"
Quick & Simple: "New Fat Busting Diet: Sheree Shrank 8 Sizes"
Glamour: "Improve Your Body In Exactly 2 Seconds. A Genius Trick Whether You're Size XS or XL"
Self: "1 Minute Body Toners: Easy At Home Moves For Every Trouble Zone"
O: "Age Brilliantly"
Maxim: "UFC Workouts"
Men's Fitness: "How To Carve Your Six Pack In 4 Weeks"
Seventeen: Hilary Duff says "I did lose a lot of weight."
Good Housekeeping: "Lose 2 Inches In 2 Weeks"
Woman's Day: "Remake Your Body"
Beyond: "Get Your Body Back"

Between those blurbs and any beer commercial, an alien who came to earth would think all women are psycho about their weight, and all men are skirt-chasing morons.

OK, maybe they'd be right.


So, the former "Saved by the Bell" star Dustin Diamond, AKA "Screech," who recently asked for Internet donations to help pay his mortgage, is apparently the star of a three-way sex video, co-starring with two women in a film that reportedly includes some perverted bodily function fetish.

Is there no shame?

I'm assuming Diamond will get a piece of the action on the back end of sales, pun intended.

I hope it's enough for Screech to pay his mortgage and disappear forever.

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