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Funnyman Dennis Miller Returns to FNC!

This is a partial transcript from "Hannity & Colmes," September 21, 2006, that has been edited for clarity.

SEAN HANNITY, CO-HOST: Finally tonight, here's our old friend, Dennis Miller, with some real free speech.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Hey, folks. Nice to be back.

Tonight I want to talk to you about the elephant-sized piñata in the room, illegal immigration. Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.

Come on. If you're going to knock off a nooner with a co-worker at a bad motel you have to scrawl your worn Hancock on the desk blotter. Of course, you should sign in at the border.

Protecting our borders is not a racist act, and anybody who tells you that it is, be they Mexico-American, American-Mexican, American-American or Mexican-Mexican, is quite simply full of it, full of it. Sit down, Alan.

We have to confront this problem right now, because the Rubicon Grande has obviously been crossed. I realized that when I heard there's now a copy of the national anthem sung completely in Spanish. Although, truth be told, I've kind of been doing it a little bit myself over the years. Because I don't know about you, but I always start the song off "Jose can you see?"

Now I place a lot of the blame on our two presidents. I don't like Fox. The president, not the network. Love the network. I love Roger Ailes. Love, love, love, love, love, love, but Vicente Fox always reminds me of Nile Wagner in his Zorro sketch.

And you know something? If he's proud of his country as he says he is, maybe he should try to honcho his economy out of the permanent state of siesta it's in so its people can stay home and make a buck or 60 trillion pesos, whatever today's conversion rate may be.

And while I truly admire President Bush, I just don't get him at all on illegal immigration. I sometimes think that his soft approach to his problem might possibly have something to do with the reflexive guilty he might feel about his patrician upbringing.

I believe as he made the long mosey from Yale to y'all, he found himself touched by people who don't take the gift of America for granted. Well, that's fine, sir. But you have to realize that right about now 80 percent of this country has reached the same point with illegal immigration that you did after Saddam Hussein lined his bird cage with that 17th U.N. resolution on Iraq. Enough is enough.

And so I present my Mexican/American lifeboat theory. It's quite simple. If you really want everybody coming here unchecked, just give up your seat in the boat. One illegal immigrant in, one proponent of illegal immigration out.

Hey, if you're going to talk the "come on up" talk, you've got to walk the "head down south" walk.

Back to you, Holmes and Watson.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

COLMES: Has me defending Bush.

HANNITY: OK, Inspector Clouseau. I'll tell you, Inspector Clouseau- Miller.

Watch "Hannity & Colmes" weeknights at 9 p.m. ET!

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